Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix// "The MENU murders/Murders a'la carte!" (1 to 5)
1) HOLLYWOD HUMMUS:
...It was a Hollywood HUMUS (murder 1). Everybody knew it. Cops didn't wanna touch it, so ya don't call GHOST BUSTERS -ya call DICK n' DICK: -Personal consultant/missing persons/We DO faces on the MILK CARTON, detective agency?...
The crime scene was a NO-brain er. An L.A. rental over a Paki inter-net cafe by Sunset & Vine...Body, covered in HUMUS but no pita bread? ...Deceased was Greek. His killer? Probably Greek too? Problem was COPS KNEW a murder HAD taken place; bloody-blood all over the place; but NO cadaver, no victim: Just HUMMUS, olives, goat's cheese and blood; the deceased had yet to be found?
CSI fashionistas showed up after the cops in bags and the "D'techs" had canvassed the nearest dumpsters? -NO DICE.
D & D shows up? Acknowledges the confusion, makes a phone call to "TONY'S TAVERNA" in Malibu!
"Tony?" he asks; " In ATHENS; guy pisses on your Bakara (rug) at your daughter's wedding? He's a DEAD MAN: Where do U put him?"
Tony (a total aristocrat) says: "Under the floor!"
D n' D points the LAW to the score.
2) FIRST DEGREE DUCK
Dead duck at Surf rider point, Malibu. The Coroner nailed it down to BLOW-FISH (Wolfgang, owner of GRANITAS?)); everybody got suspicious
, and everyone was shocked including ME, CHER and Neil Young/Wolfgang was threatening SUICIDE over the lobster bisque/had to be restrained by five undocumented Mexican assistants? -FOUR ducks (dead birds) and someone dies of FISH??? (It happens?) And Granitas dosen't even serve SUSHI!?
Anyways; D n' D "apres" DOA who was carried out - still clutching his Granitas tooth-pick - some other DUCK flew into the Malibu parking lot and set off all the parking thingies (beep-beep-stuff). The ENTIRE City of Malibu thought their insurance rates were going South! ...Fortunately, D n' D, in response to MAL P.D. (MPD) showed up. He IMMEDIATELY calls "Wolfgang": "WHAT was on the menu?"
"Dead duck!" Wolfgang replies.
"WOT!? -No fish?" says D n'D.
"No fish!" insists Wolfie; "Just dead bird."
Case closed. Frickin Suicide!
3) CURRY CADAVER
Curry cadaver, Canoga Park, The MURDER scene was a Tandoori; a Gang bust! Dead body caked in Paprika (no saffron) with just a hint of Marsala; murderers always leave a trail. They (the butchers) had a shop 3 blocks away on Topanga Blvd (a hound dog would have been bored)? D n' D, noting the confusion with the D'techs, CSI, etc., sniffed the trail. THE KILLERS (all 3 -some racial-racial-Indian family dispute) were cuffed whilst chowing down on Chicken Boti-Basmati rice, still with blood on their hands? The unwanted Groom, quite dead and the - potential - burning bride? - had fled to Santa Barbara! CURRY-CADAVER. U need clarification? Talk to D n'D. or tell ME wot U think; but purleeze do not say; "Bury my heart in Canoga Park"...
4) WHO COOKED DA GOOSE!?
5 folks named MO, all playing high stakes-Las Vegas, "Texas hold'em"... One of them (named TEX) dies after midnight buffet break which consisted of baguettes,turtle soup, dead bird (chickens or geese). Salad consisting of cucumber, tomato, lettuce, celery, spiced with Italian dressing, 1,000 Island dressing and a vinaigrette, which - even for LAS VEGAS? - I thought was a bit over the top?...
Anyways. TEX-MO. Poisoned!!! He croaks, head face down on the green velvet -salivating on his cards and stakes?
According to the Croupier everyone grinned and UP'D the ante?
LVPD (Las Vegas Police Dicks) arrive; CSI fashionistas, the Coroner and the D'techs arrive and, because everything in Las Vegas or Reno (Nevada) is LEASED by the Mormon Church (LSD), 10 seconds of silent respect was mandatory - as TEX-MO was a WHALE - before the slot-machine.carnival.sound-pollution could resume...which is WHY D n' D/ace lost & found-Murder dude/we do faces on the milk carton was called?
SUSPECTS: 5 folks named MO. Nevada Mo. Albuquerque Mo. Dallas Mo. (3 of these are women, incidentally?) and TEX-MO (deceased), and ALL FIVE hated each others guts! The fifth was a Frog: "Gauloise MO!"
...D n'D arrives; has them ( the suspects) do a Police line-up - including the dead one for ambiance - without any gambling accoutrement's (no hidden cards or dice/total deep cavity strip search). Nevertheless they all looked guilty as Sin...especially TEX (dead guy?) and Gauloise Mo! -The Frog.
D n'D says: "Pass on THESE cretins... WHO COOKED DA GOOSE?"
Later, the Casino Chef - under minimal bracing - confessed.: He? A "He-she" cook had a "He-she" with TEX-MO. He pled mental-sumfing-whatever, got counselling and got out of a jackpot, 3 to 5!!! But...FIVE years later? - D n'D -driving cross country, the Arizona desert from East Texas to L.A., having solved the "RIB RIGAMORTIS" case, popped into the "Shake Down" roadside diner and encountered the "serial chef"!
"Coffee." -D n' D requested, not immediately recognising his server.
The Chef asked: "Would U like some goose?"
D & D didn't stick around for the milk and sugar.
5) MEAT IS MURDER
(Singing:) We're poor little lambs who've lost our way? -Baa, baa, baa!...
The old CORNELLE Illumini re-union (black tie-ish) was held this year at thee BEL-AIR something or other and even before the mutton was served it filtered thru the gathering that Reggie Spikes the THIRD (111) had been shank ed in the ladies room with a Shish Kebab skewer still holding DEAD SHEEP, green peppers, onion slice and a Montebello shroom garnished in olive oil and paprika!
Everyone was AGHAST, as Reggie Spike the THIRD (111) (think Bernie Maddof) was not only an AVOWED Vegan but also a successful WALL STREET corporate raider who had fleeced millions to successfully make his billions! The banquet chatter was: "If THIS crap can happen to Reggie, what hope is there for the rest of US!?" Anyhow, word out/dead guy - Reggie - in the powder room, but no-one skipped the soup and "table banter" enjoyed a new crescendo: "What a cool fellow. Played Lacrosse? Or maybe that was some-one else?"
The LAPD (in bags), D'tects, CSI Fashionistas, etc., showed up, looked confused, but noticing D n'D amongst the ILLUMINI sought his counsel.
"Dick! Thank God!" they exclaimed. "The 'Kebab dude'-VIC fleeced millions of poor honest folks thru WALL STREET. So how can we narrow it down to one suspect?"
D & D, without looking up from his plate of mutton, replied: "Look for ANOTHER Vegan at the banquet. Your VIC probably crossed the VFL (vegan-fellowship-line) and 'ate da meat!'...A woman suspect, perhaps (ladies room?)?"
And so: It was. The WIFE - not such a poor little lamb, and as rich as she was, she had to eat the rind!...
9 months later, a waitress from the Illumini banquet, a new mother and baby - Reggie IV - were doing fine.
(Singing:) We are poor little lambs who've lost our way? -Baa, baa, baa!
c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/THE MENU MURDERS-MURDER A'LA CARTE (1 to 5) of 100 wicked tales of food, murder and sin!...:)
