Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/dave delacroix/ (D & D Detective:) "Won-Ton--IDIOT!"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ (D & D -Detective:) "Won-Ton-IDIOT!"


(Case file: 007.5:) ....THIS Clown robbed a (L.A.) Pacific-Palisades Bank of America - in broad daylight - with a Butcher's carving knife still in its 99 cent discount store thick plastic wrap! But he DID have a commanding voice: "I am HANNIBAL CLEVER and Y'all are breakfast if U don't hand over DA MONI!!!", adding, "Maybe later, I invite U to lunch!"

ALL Bank-tellers  are strictly trained to corroborate/collaborate in such events but in THIS instance they, plus ALL the bank's customers broke out in paroxysms of laughter! (Guffaws?) And one customer in particular pulled out his Smart-phone ear-phones and shared (audio) a song he was toying with re-writing for a David Geffen movie production: "Lay dat Pistol down, Ma! Lay dat Pistol down! U pistol-packin' Mama! Lay dat pistol down!"
(Much-laughter...) Then "DA CLEVER" honored his honorific! The carnage was UN-speakable! He butchered the Smart-phone/audio/smart Ass; kicked him SOLIDLY in the BALLS; terrified bank-tellers swiftly handed over MEGA money bag which prematurely exploded in RED DYE and all and sundry got a dose! Meantime, "ZE CLEVER" then adorned his UNI-BOMBER Ski-mask as an after-thought - for latent disguise purposes and, as he he still had some Non-red-dyed money to burn, indulged everyone in the bank to join him for lunch at the HOUSE OF LEE next door!

Cops "in Bags" eventually arrived, sealed off the bank; "D & D" (Private D-Tect/Lost kids and Found Detective Agency) actually in-tow on quite another case (Spaghetti Factory Hoop-La!) scoped the gig, the Smart phone Vic getting his testicles iced by Pacific-P. Fire Department, money gone, got "peckish, "tutti" bored! Opted to buzz next door. FAB FOOD. House of Lee. Entered. Discounted Halloween. (all customers were splashed in red dye paint!...Except one?) -TOOK DOWN HANNIBAL C. before the General Tso Chicken made the table!

The rest? -Bird's nest Soup!...:)


c 2015/november'/modica/Sicily.

D & D Detective: " Camorra, senza... anti-pasta."

D & D Detective: ! " Camorra... senza... anti-pasta."


People think I'm PAZZO for recounting the cuisine/cucina/criminal cases of One "D & D", private Dick, from the "Missing Kids-Lost & Found -  Detective Agency"? And whilst I do confess to being - technically - brain damaged (Winter of 2015 I contracted and suffered severely from water-based Typhus) leaving me more or less no MORE brain damaged than the entire Human population, I shall, nevertheless, endeavour to prevail with my inherent DNA in-tow over which - as God Will's It? - we all have little or no pre-destined control. Serial killers, incidentally, say the same thing?  Anyhow, the CAMORRA and THEIR DNA is (Ahem! Again:) "in-herently" cannibalistic. Trust me. When the "heat"  is ON they usually throw a couple of their Soldiers to the Wolves, the Heat, a.k.a,  DA COPS, so as not to interrupt business... flogging Designer bags, pantyhose, computer software and  mostly any thing that comes off a boat  - Think Genoa or Hapoli? -  with a French  Haute Couture label; U get the picture? -Which is WHY Mafia-Camorra Soldiers YEARN to be made a CAPO/"Made Man". For the Camorra "cognoscenti",  it's literally a matter of Life...and sometimes, the "Big Asta la Vista!" Ask ANY Wise-guy, for chrissakes!? They are ALL Capos!
OK. "Omerta!" Or, "Umo-umo!" Frickin' silencio!


"D & D" (Remember him?), winning a free travel coupon, so DID...and with commendable futility, as Sicilians do NOT look kindly on ugly Americans with an over-sized penis thingy-whassit   chasing their Belladonna's , getting outrageously drunk, pissing on  Antique Greco-Roman paved streets, D & D was Carrabinieri escorted, hauled into the infamous Palermo drunk-tank which he had to share with the "Great UN-washed", all named "Luigi" (No Capos) and 100 "Stranieri" (African immigrants), recently washed up on Sicily's southern shores (No jokes, folks!) who, unlike the "Luigi" contingent... spoke perfect English!
"D & D"'s closest comrades? IN CARCE, Palermo's Alcatraz, Jumbi and Jango! One a Doctor, the other a Lawyer, ergo, he got a Free medical check-up by Jango, DOC Jango. and by Jumbi, advised of his Civil Right...in Senegal! Clearly, "D & D" was on  WINNER when Chief  Prison-Police CAPO had his ASS hauled out of the community jail-tank, given shower/fresh-est tooth brush and all the Palermo Prison "screws" (prison wardens) suddenly smiled and gave him "Carte Blanche"on their OWN scented/private toilet facilities, respectfully escorted him to the "Throne Room": Policio-Capitano, Luigi Zaza's" Sepulchre; in short, the Capo's lavishly furnished  office- with Renaissance paintings, ornate solid oak desk, bust of  Garibaldi... and sundry Palazzo knic-knacks? But, possibly, from one red carpet situ, - Sad-sap? -  D & D arrived at yet quite another!


"Mamma-mia!" -in-toned - quite dryly -  Super Cop, Head  Prison Warden, owner of the Garibaldi Legion Medal of Honor, etc.." U get Drunk, piss on our streets, insult the honor of our bella Senorini?" he sighed, "But we forgive you...To forgive is to accept you.  And we do? To Welcome U into our Family!"
(D&D, under-nourished, plus the "DT's" did not wisecrack)
 Zaza continued: "An International phone call with (I understand?) recently promoted LOO-Tennante  Rodriguez of ... Los Angeles Police Department... tell me you are, er...a Crimi-Magicano!...? Allure YOU solve-a Mio problemo, I solve-a your problemo? Liberta, Senor ! U and TWO other "Stranieri" are released? Capito, Senore D & D?"
After THREE stinking days and nights in the Palermo "Tank", D & D was positively responsive,despite an acute case of the "D-T's"/alcoholic shakes, and was all ears as Zaza outlined the facts of the case:

 "DID SENATOR Luigi KEE-LL  his wife, or wife then...keell Him-a? In  fit of remorse?, U think, or perche?...  The Senator AND  Wife, both morte! U must understand THESE are two important personages in Palermo. It is CRIMI!...We MUST have eet- solve-a!"

(FANTASY:)
D & D, his wits about him, trusted to his Society.Top-Drawer experience: "Pretty/bella House Maid?", he enquired innocently.
"Si?..." Zaza relucantly replied... "Bella Flaminia!"
"ARREST THE JEZZABEL!!!" -D & D.
"Jezabella?" -querried Zaza.
"SI! YES! Bella-whatsit!"
"But...alleri! Perche?  WHY? Bella-Flaminnia?"
"NO BRAINER, Capitano. ALL the "Stranieri/Boat People are in jail; I know. I just spent 3 days/nights with the suckers, so-obviously, it wasn't an OUTSIDE Assasin. Had to be an INSIDE job!!!




(REALITY)


D & D explained, but mostly "conjured" for his freedom:  "Bella-Flamminia was Senator Luigi's "Frick-doll; ya get it? She's a BABE, his wife is NOT And HE, the Senator, is loosing his TOUPEE/ran out of GLUE/jeesus-Christo/I'VE seen it a HUNDRED times/Your son's wife comes home with a friend/Wife swapping/incest/community shared condoms/don't tell me/I've seen it a thousand times? Maid walks in/NO CONDOM on the mantel next to tjhe photo of Bill Clinton...


 "NO BRAINER, Capitano!" -sez "D & D , "ALL the "Stranieri/Boat People" are in Jail. I just spent 3 days/nights with the suckers so, obviously, it wasn't some outside assassin; Had to be an Inside job?...!..."

Bella-Flammina" D & D explained, was the Senator's FRICK-DOLL. She, unfortunately, got pregnant, got serious and the REST is "Napoli-senza-anti pasta! OK: PALERMO Whatsit!! ?

-D & D would later chuckle at his immediate GRASP of the Italian lingue?) NAPOLI!?Capo Zaza, in exasperation "Napoli!?"
"Revenge!" affirmed D & D. "A VIRGINS honor!?"
"Vendetta?"
"NO vendetta, just one BIG strike! REVENGE!! INSALATA! A dish best serve COLD.
Gasping for breath, exhuding MAXIMUM garlic, CAPO Zaza BELCH: "Da wife?..."
"Innocent bystander." affirmed D & D Frickin' WITNESS to Murder. She HAD to go." -adding, "U should come to L.A.; happens every NANO-second!"
"Nano?"
"Every 5 frickinì minutes! ...And U might wanna give McDonald's on West Pico a "miss". If U don't get a "DRIVE-BY" U may end up with a Subway Pannini up your Ass!
("Confusion/Zaza)
"Don't be - confused?  Capo Zaza." said D & D, reading between Zaza's furrows. "ARREST Jezebel! Whats her frickin' name? ARREST Bella-Flammina!"

ORDERS were issued. Bella Flammina broke down after a "Mild Tuning" from 2 of Palermo's "finest" all wearing Napoleon Hats! (Who would'nt?

D & D, let footloose and "fancy free", elected to FREE only ONE of his chosen fellow Palermo-Drunk-tank, "Grunts!"- prison felons: Jango,the Doctor. (His Liver was playing up?)The Lawyer, from Senegal? -HE got "Pannini"!




c. davedelacroix/modica/Lot'sa VESPAS-No Mods...2016, Ides of March.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ D & D Detec: "BIG ON BURRITOES!"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/....(Scritori dude)


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/MENU for MURDER/D & D: "Big on Burritoes!"



.......He killed her with SOUP! Bad Minestrone della -the Mandrake, the Deadly Nightshade; it all added up. Even D & D -distracted from chasing up lost kid Ahmed, avowed Anti-Infidel anti-semetic (Star of David section).  semetic HIMSELF  and had probably - on his Pappy's purloined bank deposit card -buzzed off to Beirut where the light/horror there would probably ZAP his LITES back to Milwaulkie;

 ...So D & D, on his "Missing Kids' Retrievable Agency" gave AHMED an A-plus? Anyhow, back to the Soup, the Minestrone Situ: ...A SAD SAP appartment, North of Sunset Boulevard...and no-one had paid the electric bill in weeks so the COPS and Cop Techies installed tax-payer-financed Kleig lighting which made the poisonous Soup, the Minestrone  (this is ALL about Soup?) on the gas stove look twice as inviting but also PISSED OFF the North of Sunset Boulevard NEIGHBORS who, trying to get some sleep and ordinarily accustomed to a convenient, day-time Hollywood filming "Shoot": were MUCHO PISSED!
 But not THIS time. Just Soup, apparently. (Minestrone) . No exposure on an ill-lit side street: No opportunity for Cameoes for "Wannabees!" But WORD got out/SPREAD like an Oklahoma brushfire with Herpes: Movie Agents (Star of David Section) blocked All calls! -Which would  put D & D righteously on the Gentile scent? The VIC was a  True Blood Hollyhocks: "DID Rolando-Ziggy-Erskine the THIRD; Talent Humbug -with an ambitious Starlet WIFE; "Did he have a Prosphetic, OR phophetic LEG, not Wooden, not Plastic, can it be EXPLAINED, Horatio?"

Invited to the 3 day old case D & D was in fact allergic to Minestrone laced with Peanuts! (Poor Man's Mandrake.) Obviously, Rolando too. (The Vic?)
North Hollyhocks Police Fortress, (THE RAMPARTS)  incidentally, has a reputation. Most DE-tects think of their actual Police vocation as a back door to Hollyhocks-Movies-Fame!...Minestrone?
"Fricker's DEAD. Looks like Suicide...with a saucepan!"
...But Minestrone WITHOUT a splash of Olive Oil, no sprinkles of Oregano, no Pepper-Nero? Not even a sprig of bowl parsley; forget the peanuts! "JUST where does his Nemisis partake in such Culinary concepts? And just where does the Bitch - his sobbing WIFE  - presently in Widows' "Weeds" chow on down? TACO BELL? Night and day!? BIG, is she, on Burritoes?...

The scene was set. Commiserating DE-tects addressing the weeping Widow, "Take it easy... This shit happens in L.A. every Wednesday...Have some soup..." and D & D chorused, quietly...to the "weeping willow".

"JEEZE! HE'S ALIVE!!!" -Screams D & D.
"Oh, Honey!" -Widow. "I didn't MEAN to Wack U!? U KNOW I love ya!!!???"
(Which amounted to a confession)

MOTIVE?

 THE COPS finally guessed. It was as plain as day. Without KLEIG LIGHTS a blind Man, and to D & D, the "Olde Pyramid Scheme" of  HOLLYWOOD Hope & Loyalty: ONLY YOLANDO, initially: going to advance his Spider's spouse's Career, enjoyed her divine ASS a little too much. Advance her career? No way-JOSE!  Lose her ASS. KEEP her on a string...and, finally, it dawned on the the "WIDOW"?... Turns out they were NOT "technically" Married? YOLANDO enrollerd a bunch of cynical movie "EXTRAS"  to en-act "Poo-tay"! Cinamon & Lace: She was hooked! And TWO whole years of her valuable Starlet-Youth: BETRAYED!!!...in the Great Hollyhocks Pyramid Scheme/otherwise known as "Isreali  Occupied Terroritory"... And WHY are these Semites SOOOOO tribal and incidiously incesst-ual!? No Health Insurance?... For an extra ten Dimes...
YO!...I loosely quote Persian Poet HAFIZ: .".Don't think about your foreskin?...Never mess with a Tiger's Cubs?...And never-EVER mess with a Woman's Illusions!..."
THIS Woman saw the light!...

Whilst the COPS wetre busy guessing, "RUDY DA NOODLE", recently Arrested for several Domestic-Poisoning, confessed to the murder of the Lindenberg Baby Kidnapping, the "Grassy Knoll" -thingy, sinking of the Titanic (witjh a self constructed TOPEDO) and yet further confessed to quitting the Hollyhocks/Glendale Community Homosexual Theatre to go back to YAWNSVILLE, Minnesota, maybe later, to gravitate towards the Big Apple (NYC), Broadway: The Faggot-Kibbutz!?

So LIKE Pontius Pilote, Administer of Tiberian Rome, D & D washed his hands - to be haunted by his judgement - and passed on the Minestrone, later, to graze on a super-picante Chicken Burrito/green Salsa!

...Back in his CRIB...D & D wondered how Anti Semetic kid - the Muslim branch?- how Ahmed , a Semite - was handling...War torn Beirut?... And hoping - with great heart -  the kid would somehow come out alive...?



c 2015/dave delacroix/...D & D DE-tect-

D & D -Detective: "The GORGONZOLA MAN."

D & D Detect: "The Gorgonzola Man."


NEVER KISS a man/woman with Facial Herpes... Usually en-crusted in the crevices of their mouths?... Discreet, re-mote Colonies strewn around the planet play host to these UN-thinking/frivolous scarred folks. Bloody ISLANDS of them! Some, Pacific: BIKINI ATOLL. Some, decidely frigid: ANTHRAX Island, Scotland. Every day a ferry arrives, off-loads its Cold Sore sufferers... Old Island Hands, faces blackened by disease, check-off the new arrivals: "Stilton! La Gruyere! Gorgonzola! Sage Derby, gone to seed! WHOA!!! ROQUEFORT MAN!"

D & D had read about these Gastronomic Exiles in some Periodical, probably edited by Food-Czar, Tony "Anthony" Boudain who, except  from a short bout of "Blue Squid Rash", had largely escaped most negatives of the "Holy Cucina."

The GORGONZOLA MAN? -Anyone who has ever accepted a FREE Cheese Cookie on the Santa Monica cliff-side board-walk, need not read further, excepting to say, this particular SERIAL KILLER had a lot in common with Sweeney Todd.
Sweeney T. Barber/Frieseur-dude, who cropped clients heads a might too close, took their heads completely off then made MEAT PIES with the bodies  in his Fleet Street, London basement to an in-delicate profit?

The GORGONZOLA MAN? That Cheese Salad buffet he rented on Santa Monica's 3rd. St. promenade, thankfully,  became Swiss Cheese once D & D scented the Bad Brie!

ZOOT ALLORS (for that was his Punk Rocker "handle" before he was DE-frock ed for playing Rhythm & Blues) was POISONING his fellow Musical-Anarchists of yest-er-year.
Problem WAS, D & D couldn't prove it. No-one could. -For every LETHAL "pannini", the son-of-a-bitch foisted half a dozen  O.K. stale SUBS (Heroes/long sandwiches)....!

"Breaking & Entering" (Burglary) wasn't at ALL D & D's style, but in cahoots with "Lilly-White", CARL BLAKE (Central L.A. Detective and Papa of MISTY, a Zoot Allors Victim), D & D rapidly surveyed ZOOT'S kitchen-Culinary-additives, guessed correctly, and saw to it that Zoot would be hung by his own petard, adding Zoot's elixir to Zoot's own laid out breakfast platter. ERGO! A week later? A GARGOYLE felon, barely distinguishable from the "Creature from the Black Lagoon" with Blue speckles/veins, ranking like a burnt-down Parmesan Cheese factory during mating season), ZOOT took  Merchant ship from San Pedro harbour (Port of Los Angeles) to exile and hell; possibly, no worse off than  - if busted? - 25 to life in CHINO?

And so it goes. Pass the frickin' cheese!...

D & D -DETECTIVE: "NO discount for MURDER!"

D &D -Detective: "NO discount for Murder..."


 ....No-one knows what was going through D & D's mind on the "Day of the Dead (Dia de las Muertes)." He'd seen more than his share: THE DEAD? And his re-remembrance? Stuff of fondness? Unlikely, considering his De-tect KIDS: "Lost & Found" Investigations Business? Or night-mares, less we forget; THE HORROR?... D & D had had his share IN THE ECONOMY SIZE and "discount for Murder" always comes at - personal - inflationary prices. Ask any Coroner... or Cops? Some Cops (Case Detectives) go to their graves with murderer-taped victim's  pleas/screams bouncing 'round their heads?... As for the latest?

MANUEL LABOR, so called 'cos he took his time over freaking out, murdering, then dissecting his KNOWN 80 (Eighty) VICS, South side of San Diego, North side TIJUANA, Mexico, suggestive? PERP must have had a big kitchen? -and was, according to LEW-tenant YOLONZO, a product of "Bad Salsa", bad "Something." -like the thriving worm in a bottle of prized Tequila? -which made NO sense down at City Hall (L.A.), but NOT for Private Dick, D & D (U lose 'em, WE find 'em) Detective Agency.

D & D "nailed da TABASCO" up at PEPE'S TACO GRILLO down on Pico Blvd, the  border of West Hollywood and Santa Monica. (Always a famous TWILIGHT ZONE). It was a NO-BRAINER. Senor PEPE, owner-manager-sadistic pervert was expanding his Taco food Chain and knocking off UN-documented Waitresses, "Illegals", essentially Socially sanctioned Murder-Rape fodder!

D & D got him on a PEPPE'S TACO GRILLO "napkin" tucked inside a VIC's "Intimissi" power bra which Pepe - in frantic butchery? - had failed to observe.  Plus? PEPE'S TACO GRILLO (the one on West Pico) was a KNOWN eatery for Serial Killer/Ghouls-wannabees, having once been featured in a "Slasher" B-movie.

D & D discounted several of the known "regulars"/Usual suspects/wannabee Serial Killers... and took a lonesome look at the Eateries owner who vaguely reminded him of an Hispanic WAYNE GACEY! And sharper than an HABENERO Chilli, Pepe (Manual Labor) "checked-in" when confronted by D & D presenting him with photos of his dead VICS. So enamoured with the Cop's blatant murder photos, he let it slip that HE had a matching pair! Arrogant/Idiot? "AY CARAMBA!" Who knows the ways of Psycho-killers?...

...His later - official - "confession" was extracted by TWO BRUISER Detectives from West Hollyhocks Division down at the LAPD sweat shop from Hell (In SAN PEDRO) where he was given the "legal choice" of "Confess or DIE"?

So D & D, yet again, had scored. But to the Working Folks/Hispanic, largely Illegal Los Angeles community, he would remain largely unknown: A Gabaucho!"Da Kops got dare Manno! And many Padres and Madres breathed a sigh of relief for their little Senoritas.



c 2015/davedelacroix, Nov.

"D & D" -DETECTIVE: "DUCK SOUP!"

D & D Detectice/MENU FOR MURDER>  Duck Soup!


"Duck Soup!"



BE-BOOP-A-LOOPA! Heart! "D &/D" at cross purposes with the Santa Monica fellas "in bags", he  caught a much needed consultation FEE after a disastrous weekend at the Santa-Anna Racetrack, looking for a lost "No Chance" of finding: "Miss Lost & Found": Miss Suzie Q. Maybe blond? 15 going on 35... U gettin' this? Lost kid on a Milk Carton? And "D & D" got GRIPPED?...to find?... (Rich parents.) To Santa Monica, North of Venice California, where the "debris" meets the Sea...

So. Onward! Muggy ol' Southern California morning. The sun wouldn't or couldn't shine. Smog, over.- cast. The MEAN season. COPS in dress uniform (Bags) Tee shirts, sweating, but couldn't get a tan? -Tip-toe-In around some news-worthy  blood and gore: The Celebrity CHEF, Rodrigo Katzenburger! Owner of Celebrity Chef. Outlets on MELROSE, Sunset Boulevard. TV Canned SOUP!!!  DISMEMBERED:With his OWN Celebrity Carving knife Set, no less... However, the Guy DID - apparently - have a HEART?...It kept on pumping gushes of OOZE - witnessed by "the UN--usable/ UN-reliables  - male/female -  who go by the name of "Ralph"- witnesses and  who get to write the neighborhood  history books. And, why they are  sometimes accurate, don't ask me why? Maybe because, alternatively,  when Hollywood's MEDIA shows up it always ends up Creme-puff? - Grab da Kleenex: A HUMAN story? ("Let's talk about our FEELINGS?)

 And a fella called Howard - wannabee Newshound - ran for his Cam-Corder but missed Rodrigo's Swansong before being arrested;  But he DID get to sweep the domestic debacle. (Hard to miss?) lingering on what in fact was SPLURGE Tomato soup...turning to mud on the High end, left-front gas ring? "COOK-A-BILL-E-TEE" thingy -he surmised, considering its  potential Video-news-promo to Chanel 5: "Suzie Toyota Reporting!"; DANG She gonna EAT this!?....which was WHEN (which was then:) when Santa Monica's "finest" barged in like Jack-whatsit from TV series: "24":
"PUT THE WEAPON ON THE GROUND!!!...er..."PUT THE CAM-CORDER ON THE FRICKIN' GROUND!"....
Poor Howards Scoop got grounded!

D & D, having just arrived, putting the Suzie-Q/missing kid case on hold, addressed the cops, ambulance man, the fireman, Uncle Tom Cobbley and All: "S'UP!?"
"Katzenburger got sliced!" -responded a cop in "bags", distracted; vaguely toying with the idea of investing in a new big screen TV with inter-net Conn/display.
"Rodrigo cooked the Goose!" -elucidated the Fireman.
"Rodrigo IS Goose!" -suggested the semi-medically trained - Paramedic; "With Tomato Soup!"

Detective Nalty, dressed in Monkey shit coloured Fedora and Rat's piss colored Mackintosh - on the advice of his Holly-hocks Talent Agent, poking his head out into the crowded corridor, seeing D & D: "DAT U, Big D?" and laughing: "Always on the scene, eh? U wanna Confess TO or help solve this Baby?" And aside, to the corridors assembly, "Sorry fellas. No GOOSE. Just Tomato soup!"
"Bloody, hu?" commented one of the cops.
"Fatal!" replied Nalty. "Forgot to add Basilicum!"

Invited, D & D surveyed the culinary crime scene: "Yup. Basilicum. Get U every time."
"He didn't stand a chance!" -poked in a  rookie cop, intruding on the crime scene like a "Wookie" from Star Wars.
"Say wha?" asked D-tect Nalty.
"Out-knifed! Clear-cut; no? -the rookie, absorbed: "Sheffield Steel. If I read this right?" -fingering the evidence.
"You mean, out-Gunned?" -said D & D, with a straight face: "10 against ONE!?"
The Rookie was ejected from the crime scene.

"I HATE to quote Frank Zappa, but: WELL!??" unleashed Nalty, thinking D & D had chewed his "cud" long enough.
"WHEEEE'LL?" responded D & D, "Don't take this as Gospel and DO NOT make BOOK, but I think the solution to your homicide, taking it AS a homicide, discounting the possibilities of a ferociously determined suicide or a culinary HIGH NOON involving - even as we speak TEN Mescaleroes covered in Tomato GOOP waiting on the "ZEPHYR" down at Union station, bound for Acapulco...?"
"Cut to  the chase, Big D" exclaimed Nalty, exasperated. "I'm NOT on overtime and KATHLEEN - Mrs Nalty to you? - promised me Pate fois Gras after the late night movie!"
"You're being OBTUSE, Nalty. At least, I hope U are? But, OK. I'll deal..."

D & D continued: "Detective Nalty: Mon Dude! The solution to this debacle lies at ANY Super-market check-out stand..."
Nalty was impatient: "Big D! Jesus! U on DRUGS!? And  I'm not sure what Obtuse means? Sounds like some kind of venereal disease? And PUR-LEEZE let's not get into THAT. Frick'in EXPLAIN Sherlock!?"
"OK, Nalty. I'll make it easy. Here's the ORIGAMI! Super-market check out counter, right? Gossip magazines! Insider Mags. U don't do grocery shopping? Ask Kathleen/Mrs Nalty?  -where U read Hollywood Yaketty-Yak. The Stars! In front of the Camera. BEHIND the Camera! Who's bonking Who? Who's IT? Who's IN? Who is..."
"Who is OUT?" -concurred Nalty.
"Your VIC, " sighed  D & D, "El Katzen-whatsit? is KNOWN to be switching TV Networks... (There's) NO secrets in Hollywood, brother. INFORMATION is POWER as some dead movie producer-power broker once plagiarized from some penniless writer. Anyhow, Katzen-dudes Producer ALSO named Katzen-thingy, was going to lose his Yamaka over our Vic's networks change! Add to THAT? -trouble was brewing on the set! It's common - Insider knowledge! Apparently, ONE Katz got respect (the one leaving) and the OTHER Katz, little or none since having HIS credit embossed on the fade-out credits which NOBODY except the mindless/ retarded bother to read anyhow!?"
D & D looked at Nalty's blank stare.
"U with me SO far, Detective?"
Nalty, finally: "So?..."

"SO," concluded D & D, taking up the slack: "Show-biz competition/jealousy in Technicolour/ /revenge/who got the biggest Yamaka; who frickin' knows? Ask any In-side/Insider and 5 wìll get U 10 THEY won't know either! Ya foll-a DUCK SOUP!!! -Hollywood Style!... So, Detective, take the already assembled KEYSTONE COPS and swoop on down to Senor Producer Katzies Laurel Canyon - once ritzy - bungalow and 5 will get U ten he's making Tomato soup, or rather, trying to send it to Chinatown!"
"Laundry?"
"On the button!..."
D & D, then turning to the soup/blood spattered kitchen: "Here! A jar of Basilcum. Better take it with U, hu?"
Detective Nalty took the jar: "Yo! Just in case." And grinned...



davedelacroix/march-2016/modica-sicily.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ D-D-Detective: MENU FOR MURD'AH!: "Doc Salad & Mr Fried."

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix esq./D-D-Detective: MENU for MURDER! -"Doc Salad & Mr Fried."



Forensics? Actually, not one of the seven tribes commemorated on the Jewish candle holder, cast light and shadows in many a corner.... SPOOKY!
Private Dick, "D & D!": "THIS sonofabitch, frickin' SERIAL KILLER, is a hot tomato; if we don't saute his ass  in a WOK... he's bad boogie to catch, and ya can quote me!?"
That the PERP coated his victims, first in mixed salad, according to the Police Semite Department, then went at their "Salad con Mayo" smeared torsos with an artists Bunsen burner/extra Virgin Olive Oil...had all & sundry -non-plussed!
Initially, "D&D" figured twins. The Menendez brothers. Piccolini intelligentsia? But under the influence -lethargic days and nites - exposed to several celebrity cooking TV shows - he renounced ALL logic and then casually suggested to the LAPD "powers-dat-be": "Look for a "Saucier", a "Short Order Cook" or a "Sushi-Kamikaze-maniac!"
...Crystal ball?

2 Sushi Chefs in Santa Monica were immediately arrested on culinary/homicidal misdemeanours (Didn't know how to prepare Blow fish). Several Short Order Cooks in Orange County were busted outright! -Spread of SELOMINA! They were - all to a man! - chronic masturbators, never washed their hands, then served up Cheeseburgers!
The Saucier, a misfit-UBER-mensch was eventually nailed by D-tect super-market surveillance purchasing galoshes of Salad Cream and canisters of Calor-Gas at "Ralphs" super mart in Malibu, repetitively, on his ONLY - notable - "Big Lowbowski" "Ralphs" discount I.D. card.
The Paparazzi (inside COPS moles/I.C.M's) had a field day. Why wouldn't they?...

"D&D"'s consultation, and at his direction, actually led to the bust, nevertheless felt it wise to remain in the brouhaha shadows. Still; the need to check out DOC SALAD & MR FRIED's low rent Studio City apartment, whilst not undertaken Forensically, and no-way Biblical in annotation, nevertheless had its own revelations: A wardrobe chocka with TWO-TONE outfits. In the garage? TWO Corvettes. One RED, the other one in blue. In the bathroom (where do psychos spend their leisure hours?) photos of hookers in pairs, kids, basically; and TWINS -when available: The conclusive evidence?... On top of a wardrobe of TWO-TONE garments: One serious gaudy neck-tie portraying elephants, whales and monkeys, all looking happy!
Spooky.
Homo Sapien has been trying to either annihilate or eat these critters since Time began!