D & D Detectice/MENU FOR MURDER> Duck Soup!
"Duck Soup!"
BE-BOOP-A-LOOPA! Heart! "D &/D" at cross purposes with the Santa Monica fellas "in bags", he caught a much needed consultation FEE after a disastrous weekend at the Santa-Anna Racetrack, looking for a lost "No Chance" of finding: "Miss Lost & Found": Miss Suzie Q. Maybe blond? 15 going on 35... U gettin' this? Lost kid on a Milk Carton? And "D & D" got GRIPPED?...to find?... (Rich parents.) To Santa Monica, North of Venice California, where the "debris" meets the Sea...
So. Onward! Muggy ol' Southern California morning. The sun wouldn't or couldn't shine. Smog, over.- cast. The MEAN season. COPS in dress uniform (Bags) Tee shirts, sweating, but couldn't get a tan? -Tip-toe-In around some news-worthy blood and gore: The Celebrity CHEF, Rodrigo Katzenburger! Owner of Celebrity Chef. Outlets on MELROSE, Sunset Boulevard. TV Canned SOUP!!! DISMEMBERED:With his OWN Celebrity Carving knife Set, no less... However, the Guy DID - apparently - have a HEART?...It kept on pumping gushes of OOZE - witnessed by "the UN--usable/ UN-reliables - male/female - who go by the name of "Ralph"- witnesses and who get to write the neighborhood history books. And, why they are sometimes accurate, don't ask me why? Maybe because, alternatively, when Hollywood's MEDIA shows up it always ends up Creme-puff? - Grab da Kleenex: A HUMAN story? ("Let's talk about our FEELINGS?)
And a fella called Howard - wannabee Newshound - ran for his Cam-Corder but missed Rodrigo's Swansong before being arrested; But he DID get to sweep the domestic debacle. (Hard to miss?) lingering on what in fact was SPLURGE Tomato soup...turning to mud on the High end, left-front gas ring? "COOK-A-BILL-E-TEE" thingy -he surmised, considering its potential Video-news-promo to Chanel 5: "Suzie Toyota Reporting!"; DANG She gonna EAT this!?....which was WHEN (which was then:) when Santa Monica's "finest" barged in like Jack-whatsit from TV series: "24":
"PUT THE WEAPON ON THE GROUND!!!...er..."PUT THE CAM-CORDER ON THE FRICKIN' GROUND!"....
Poor Howards Scoop got grounded!
D & D, having just arrived, putting the Suzie-Q/missing kid case on hold, addressed the cops, ambulance man, the fireman, Uncle Tom Cobbley and All: "S'UP!?"
"Katzenburger got sliced!" -responded a cop in "bags", distracted; vaguely toying with the idea of investing in a new big screen TV with inter-net Conn/display.
"Rodrigo cooked the Goose!" -elucidated the Fireman.
"Rodrigo IS Goose!" -suggested the semi-medically trained - Paramedic; "With Tomato Soup!"
Detective Nalty, dressed in Monkey shit coloured Fedora and Rat's piss colored Mackintosh - on the advice of his Holly-hocks Talent Agent, poking his head out into the crowded corridor, seeing D & D: "DAT U, Big D?" and laughing: "Always on the scene, eh? U wanna Confess TO or help solve this Baby?" And aside, to the corridors assembly, "Sorry fellas. No GOOSE. Just Tomato soup!"
"Bloody, hu?" commented one of the cops.
"Fatal!" replied Nalty. "Forgot to add Basilicum!"
Invited, D & D surveyed the culinary crime scene: "Yup. Basilicum. Get U every time."
"He didn't stand a chance!" -poked in a rookie cop, intruding on the crime scene like a "Wookie" from Star Wars.
"Say wha?" asked D-tect Nalty.
"Out-knifed! Clear-cut; no? -the rookie, absorbed: "Sheffield Steel. If I read this right?" -fingering the evidence.
"You mean, out-Gunned?" -said D & D, with a straight face: "10 against ONE!?"
The Rookie was ejected from the crime scene.
"I HATE to quote Frank Zappa, but: WELL!??" unleashed Nalty, thinking D & D had chewed his "cud" long enough.
"WHEEEE'LL?" responded D & D, "Don't take this as Gospel and DO NOT make BOOK, but I think the solution to your homicide, taking it AS a homicide, discounting the possibilities of a ferociously determined suicide or a culinary HIGH NOON involving - even as we speak TEN Mescaleroes covered in Tomato GOOP waiting on the "ZEPHYR" down at Union station, bound for Acapulco...?"
"Cut to the chase, Big D" exclaimed Nalty, exasperated. "I'm NOT on overtime and KATHLEEN - Mrs Nalty to you? - promised me Pate fois Gras after the late night movie!"
"You're being OBTUSE, Nalty. At least, I hope U are? But, OK. I'll deal..."
D & D continued: "Detective Nalty: Mon Dude! The solution to this debacle lies at ANY Super-market check-out stand..."
Nalty was impatient: "Big D! Jesus! U on DRUGS!? And I'm not sure what Obtuse means? Sounds like some kind of venereal disease? And PUR-LEEZE let's not get into THAT. Frick'in EXPLAIN Sherlock!?"
"OK, Nalty. I'll make it easy. Here's the ORIGAMI! Super-market check out counter, right? Gossip magazines! Insider Mags. U don't do grocery shopping? Ask Kathleen/Mrs Nalty? -where U read Hollywood Yaketty-Yak. The Stars! In front of the Camera. BEHIND the Camera! Who's bonking Who? Who's IT? Who's IN? Who is..."
"Who is OUT?" -concurred Nalty.
"Your VIC, " sighed D & D, "El Katzen-whatsit? is KNOWN to be switching TV Networks... (There's) NO secrets in Hollywood, brother. INFORMATION is POWER as some dead movie producer-power broker once plagiarized from some penniless writer. Anyhow, Katzen-dudes Producer ALSO named Katzen-thingy, was going to lose his Yamaka over our Vic's networks change! Add to THAT? -trouble was brewing on the set! It's common - Insider knowledge! Apparently, ONE Katz got respect (the one leaving) and the OTHER Katz, little or none since having HIS credit embossed on the fade-out credits which NOBODY except the mindless/ retarded bother to read anyhow!?"
D & D looked at Nalty's blank stare.
"U with me SO far, Detective?"
Nalty, finally: "So?..."
"SO," concluded D & D, taking up the slack: "Show-biz competition/jealousy in Technicolour/ /revenge/who got the biggest Yamaka; who frickin' knows? Ask any In-side/Insider and 5 wìll get U 10 THEY won't know either! Ya foll-a DUCK SOUP!!! -Hollywood Style!... So, Detective, take the already assembled KEYSTONE COPS and swoop on down to Senor Producer Katzies Laurel Canyon - once ritzy - bungalow and 5 will get U ten he's making Tomato soup, or rather, trying to send it to Chinatown!"
"Laundry?"
"On the button!..."
D & D, then turning to the soup/blood spattered kitchen: "Here! A jar of Basilcum. Better take it with U, hu?"
Detective Nalty took the jar: "Yo! Just in case." And grinned...
davedelacroix/march-2016/modica-sicily.
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