Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 16: "LULA!"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 16:  "Lula!"


LULA HOFFMAN, Turkish-Jewish, female Cabaret entertainer, from Hamburg (It's in Germany) busted into the HOTEL DAVE (€55 per nite/big screen TV) with "follower", Heinrich (Heinrich?) yesterday AT DAWN...
I was a bit put out because it was one of my scheduled weekdays with FI-FI and FI-FI; quick phone calls ensued? No problemo. FI-FI and FI-FI were, anyway, "on standby" at some place called MONELLAS LAP DANCE, just outside of Piacenza (Italy) and not adverse to making the extra bucks.

LULA arrived in a taxi. A second taxi pulled up behind bearing (follower) Heinrich and all Lula's luggage. Pretty soon the HOTEL DAVE (€65 per nite/big screen TV) reception, breakfast bar area and "convenient" CUCINA (kitchen thingy) was logged-jammed with Lula's portmanteaus, bags of "Duty-frees", and Las Vegas-carpet-suitcases. Heinrich, and his OWN "red cross parcel-accoutrement's" couldn't fit in. We packed him off to Reno's Hotel Commercial (€85 per nite/small TV) over on the via Chris Colombo: "Catch a bus and visit, tomorrow; happy-hour?"
"Dave? I VANT TO LIVE HOTEL DAVE!" sez Lula

Lula, incidentally (minus Heinrich) is the OPPOSITE of a transvestite. She's a fully developed blonde-bombshell, minimally tattooed,  who tries to control her ample bosoms with tight upper hosiery. Below? She's total INTEMISSINI, garter-B, fishnets, and ON STAGE - her Cabaret act? - she wear a large Carrot-thingy, dangling between her thighs, and sings "family favorites": Titles include: "SPARE THE ROD!" and "SORRY ABOUT DICK!?" -I met her "on tour" in Hanover (also in Germany) in 2003 and we've been friends ever since.

(...Wonder how long she's gonna stay?...)


c. 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/HOTEL DAVE/piacenza-Italia.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 15: WHEEZE!

Our Man in Europe/davedelacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 15:  WHEEZE!


(dedicato: Phlegm-Louise, who lives in Jackson-Missippi)

(New song - hot off the wire - from BLIND BILL who lives in an Airstream Trailer, East prairies of TEXAS, USA) It's called:  "Wheeze".

"WHEEZE!"

I got everything, I got everything. Do YOU got everything? I got everything I need; I'm an Artist and I don't look back?

My gal's a WHEEZE. My gal's a wheeze. My gal (still) is a WHEEZE; on Saturday night she's a Wheeze: She's an ARTIST and that's a fact.

I got all that stuff? I got ALL that stuff? I got all that stuff, I got everything I need: I'm an Artist and I don't go back!...:)


c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza, near MILAN, Italia!

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 14: "BELL and CANDLE"

Our Man in Europe/davedelacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 14:  "BELL and CANDLE"..

(dedicato: Sylvia, Maria, Henrietta von Graz)

Countessa Rosella della Pesaro? GUESS WOT!? No receipe. Ambience is everything! BEATRICIA showed up at the HOTEL DAVE (€50 per nite/big screen TV/bring your own towel-sleeping bag?) Anyways? COUSIN "Wolfgang von Dusseldorf just opted and died and left me a  WHOLE €50 as my inheritance which was "very nice" as it arrived in the post just before the end of the month when I'm usually, financially, "rive gauche". SO! €50! Beatricia - who hails from ZWAZILAND (she's a  white, blonde-Gal, in fact?), I "splurged" on Italian sausage, Pork RIBS, veggies and an assortment of local wines which arrived in 75 cl. boxes with screw-on caps. ADD too the fact that I had Mc-SHEELTONS (blended) Whisky and several MORRETTI brewskies already, in the "Palazzo" (HOTEL DAVE/€55 per nite/bring your own WI-FI) -a "festa" (party) was inevitable!
SO. With JOE GREEN (Gueissepi Verdi) turned up FULL BLAST on the big screen TV-"jukebox" we "munched" on down on Italian sausage, bloody RIBS and gorged on vino!
Later? -both (Beatricia and me), both stripped quite naked, under the august-romanesque arches of the HOTEL DAVE'S "Benedictine Suite", we adorned matching Venetian Carnival masks and "candelarbra tiaras/6 candles a-piece, head-dress  and danced like Sartyrs at a Bachanalia mosh-pit!

...Piccolini problemo? -the scalding hot candle wax from our "Candlebra-Tiaras"  kept dripping on our shoulders, my beer gut, and collective  buttocks? We repeatedly cried: "OUCH!" whilst gyrating?
Later, we discovered in a fruit bowl, a LARGE GREEN BELL PEPPER. Beatricia sliced it, then  rubbed it on my shoulder, buns, beer gut? "AH! RELIEF!!", and being a Cavalier/Gentlemen, I returned her medicinal-ardent administrations...And, regarding such "agony and ecstacy", Countessa Rossella? -I hope this "sketch" is full of "Lifestyle" advice?


c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza-Italy.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 13: "Song of Persia"...Piacenza/Italia!

Our Man in Europe/davedelacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 13:  "Song of Persia..."

(Dedicato: Persian Poet: HAFIZ)

FATHER night and MOTHER dawn? Can U see MY afternoon?
I will not be your Phoenix.
Tomorrow's love? I give it to another.
In a JIRGA (Elders' meeting house) old men groan; old women, for a history of
lost sons, too.
But NO-ONE'S gone
except that it's the FEELING that is so.

FATHER NIGHT and MOTHER dawn? Aurora! Spread your light!
My Brothers? My Sisters?
NOT into the Light!!!?
Our "Play" has begun, and a HELIX of light
shatters idiosyncrasy.

Is it any wonder that WE
now yearn for Tomorrow's Paradise?...


c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza-Italia..

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 12: "LOST IN SHANGHAI with da ROMA BLUES!..."

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 12:  "Lost in SHANGHAI with the ROMA BLUES..."

1) BANK OF AMERICA: The last word...

...Ran into FIONA walking her dog, MATRIX, up on the via Calzolai (Piacenza, Italy), by the Piazza Cavalli. It was kind'a embarrassing? I was having a "monetary dispute" with my Bank's ATM, bancomat-thingy? Normally, when I have NO financial Credit, a SNEERING face appears on the ATM screen-SPITTAL is directed at me from several angles in the ATM cubicle...But THIS time an ARM and a FIST portruded from within the "Cash Monitor" and,  fist unclenched? -grabbed me by the throat!?...
"Insult-to-injury";  says I:  "I git NO respect/I gotta pay my UTILITY bill!?"
Then a SECOND hand/fist portruded, presented me with a large Candle, wrapped in a  the last known photo of the VIRGIN MARY - a women I've never-even met? -Then the FIRST hand/fist resumes to slapping me -  for 10 minutes! -  across the face!!!?
Naturally, I was OUTRAGED?
"ZOUNDS!?" -I exclaimed, "I know you folks - THE BANK OF AMERICA - are in deep "Financial Crappola", but - never before as your "Custumer Service" been so quite diabolical!?
.......The cash  machine  BELCHED!...
...Anyways? It started to rain. FIONA (and dog MATRIX) arrived to save the Day. I bashed in the ATM-cash-monitor with my Winter - Foot Locker - Bovver-boots, cussed-excessively and "had the last word" before FIONA (and dog MATRIX) dragged me away - kicking and screaming/semi-demonically -  before the "Only One Bullet Allowed" CARRIBINERI cops arrived?...

We went to the Cafe Vespa, on via Parvese where, after 2 or 6 vinos, I calmed down.


2)  PIACENZA CRICKET-CLUB: "Debacle!"

...If life wasn't tough enough, late January, the day after it snowed in Piacenza (Italy), it poured BUCKETS. Many of US old wise CRICKET owls spent some time - over Vino - shaking our heads in resignation.
Then? The sun came out? Ya could' called me RALPH!?
"Ralph?" cried PHARNEY /(Captain of the PAKISTANI team).
"Don't call me RALPH!" -I replied: "GAME ON!!!"

The "sold out" crowd applauded: 3 guys, some homeless chick and a stray dog.

Due to the inclement weather and - factoid - the local Priest from St. SISTO - who refused to arrive/BLESS the PIACENZA CRICKET CLUB game on the grounds that it was a "violent" pastime, contrary to the Catholic Catechism: "BE AS MEEK AND GENTLE AS MUTTON", and (ahah!) on a damp Sunday afternoon? -was probably lying DRUNK in full Papal regalia on his "divan" being administered to by two lonely NUNS?..
...This is ENGLAND 'gainst PAKISTAN, folks! The Pakistanis are keen to VANQUISH the "white-boys/mostly Italian" ENGLISH fellas. They wanna do a "warm-up" thingy: CHARNEY (Pakistan) ferociously bowls PHARNEY (CAPTAIN of Pakistan) OUT-OUT-OUT! -with his first "over"! OOWWWSSSAATTT!!!
(First play, goddammit?) -Pakistani against Pakistani.
THIS WAS BIG MOJO;
my "England" team wasn't even involved?
-BATS were thrown? WICKETS became SPEARS! (forget the CORKY BALL? -Stealth frickin' Missile!?)... And did the (Italian) CARRIBINERI (cops with one bullet) ever show up to remonstrate this fracas? -NOT BLOODY LIKELY!

Later? I heard the "homeless chick" was in fact PARIS HILTON. She, and the stray dog,  both went to jail and are now receiving post-traumatic-Cricket counselling.


3)  OF MICE and MEN...

FAMOUS last words of Mice and Men? -"There was an old Woman from Swansea!..."
JESUS? (dude in heaven?) has been totally harassed for the last 200 years (Petition the Lord with Prayer?) from bureaucrats in MARGATE, BOULOGNE SUR MER and MONTE CARLO/Italian coastal towns too numerous to name including BRINDISI also feature in this "situ"; noticeably ABSENT were the cities of KOBLENZ (Germany), GRAZ (Austria) and DIJON (France) which are NOT coastal towns,; present Eco-system prevailing.

FAMOUS last words of Mice and Men? -"It ALWAYS rains in California".... Actually? It doesn't. I've lived there. And, "No-one's getting FAT 'cept MAMA CASS?" -Trust me. Mama Cass Eliot has the least of that problem; her fans, on the other hand, might just need to skip that next "power-lunch" in Brentwood, least ways, try to ensure the rest of the WORLD doesn't erect Public Signs saying: NO SMOKING ON THE BEACH whilst paving Paradise.

FAMOUS last words of Mice and Men? -"ARIZONA got PNEUMONIA!".. Ask ANYONE who was born there: THE NIGHT OFTHE IGUANA!, THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS!, THE DAY OF THE LOCUSTS!, and...what you see, in Arizona, actually, just SEEMS.
On a "happy note"? Some half naked kid, where YOU don't go, in a forest, jungle, frickin' island, outside of your scope? -She plucks a mango from a tree. Her teeth of brilliant white. Her skin is clean; far from a world of MICE AND MEN, a woman from Swansea
... and all our schemes...?


c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza-Italia...:)

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 11: Italiano - Giorno - Televisione!

Our man in Europe/davedelacroix/BAD TOURIST, No. 11: "Italiano - Giorno - Televisione!"


1)  "TEMPEST D'AMORE!"  (Francisco still loves Isabella!)

2) "Our World/NOSTRA TERRA!"  (The same)

3)  "PADRE PIO!"  (He's still dead...)


c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza-italia!...:)

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST No. 10: El Paso, El Paso...

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/BAD TOURIST No. 10:  "El Paso, El Paso..."


El Paso, El Paso, a Mariachi song; El Paso, El Paso: Somethin' going wrong?
CHORUS: " A WEE WEE WEE!!!"
Dos Equis.

Maria got RAPED by the "Coyote" in charge? Little  Manuel lost his life
swimming the Rio Grande, from Norte-Mexico
to the land of "ME-ME-ME!"

El Paso, El Paso; don't confuse me? I too, don't have a GREEN CARD;
El Paso? Singing: "WE-WE-WE!"
like kids playing in the yard?

El Paso, El Paso, by DEL RIO (a gal I knew?):
she saw my face/I saw her face/our hands reached out-not
close enough to touch?
A GUNSHOT RANG OUT!
"Juanita!?"
Not close enough. South of the border; no end?...



c 2014/dave delacroix/lord borgo/piacenza-italia!...