OUR MAN in EUROPE/davedelacroix: Take 22: Cherish

Take 22: Cherish


That blessed song: "We Are the World (We are the Children)" sung by the biggest horde of Hollywood scallywags under the sun, still - alas - "broncos" around my morning (hangover) mind...like a sink filled with unwashed dishes.

I try to think of pretty things:

Margaret Thatcher in the Nude.
Queen Liz (the second) .....cutting off her own head.
A lifetime's guarrantee of DRUM tobacco.
An old comrade unexpectedly showing up with a bottle of single malt!

"We ARE the World!..."

Leastways? -I can dream. And I can think of Appollinaire, THE POET; and his great friend, Andre Salmon!

Oddly? Here in Piacenza....I ALSO have a great friend. His name is Andreas. We call him Torna (pronounced: TUNA!).
Why is he called Tuna? -because he's a BIG guy with a GRANDE heart! And? You mess with ME? HE will TUNE you.
(Old rockstars NEED protection)

(Ossie Osborne:) "Dave, what are you trying to say, man?"

It's ALL "tempo", Ossie. And you know it!
(I figure you've figured this piece out...by now)
And YES! WE ARE the People.

Salmon? Poor old (fish) Salmon gets born/spawned, fights his way down the brook...to the rushing river...and all things being equal, and the "creek don't rise" (?), he makes it to the sea.
And there? To swim and bask in the 7 seas till...one day, ailing but knowing his time has come...returns to thee place of birth, like DAVE, in Piacenza, full knowing....Time has won.

"GOTCH'A SUM TICK-TOCK!"

And - relax! - No reservations needed.


c 2011/davedelacroix/lord borgo/whimsical in Piacenza/Italy of course/Christmas (again!)

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix: Take 21: 22 & Eyes of Blue

Take 21: Twenty-two & Eyes of Blue

(Whilst cleaning up my desk/found this piece/should'a posted it last Summer/OOPS!/also? On SOME subjects? Ya gotta stand up and be counted...of which I feel it my duty...to do.)

A letter to my dear friend Eva:

Dear Sweetie-pie, my unique adventure continues: Hotel Dave/Casa di Amici, Piacenza, Italy, South of Switzerland where they make the Cuckoo Clocks...and hoard zillions of gold bullion stolen from Jewish and displaced people back in the old days.
Nice mountains, though. At the end of Summer the Swiss Shepherds (with their cows) parade from up on high and march down the mountain roads into the lower valleys and so into towns; Interlaken; places like that.

It's a monotonous, though quite splendid affair. Huge heffers (cows, I guess) dangle HUGE Cow bells around their necks that go: "Clank-a, clank-a, CLANK!" with every stride they make. (Hemmingway probably wrote about it, someplace) And the traffic must give way. The Swiss cops "police" the whole affair. The Shepherds? Not one of them over 25 years old! -they all wear "Kaftan" shirts worthy of ANY Grateful Dead concert gathering...and on the whole, appear quite joyous and pacific.

.....Perhaps the reality SHOULD be where the cows wear huge credit cards (Amex, Visa, Dinner's Club) from their satiated, sagging throats; the Shepherds? Pin striped Armani suits, Gucci shoes, Turnbull & Asser shirts/throw in some 10 gallon Texas Stetson hats, why don't cha?

I, of course, do NOT begrudge anyone's lot in life, for richer or for poorer, nor blame the children for the sins of their fathers. There are many beautiful people in the Alpine region... But I sure would like to crack open the vaults of some of those banks in Zurich and, if not run off with all the cash, leastways? -get a "gander" at some of their Accounting books! -that is, IF they, like 9MILLION people's lives...haven't been sent up in flames!...?

A big "Hi!" to your brother Max! Very BIG HUGS (and do it!) to your pappa, Reiner: He's "mein bruder". Salute to Count Axel von Phad who I often think of and whose friendship I cherish. Your Mother? Tell Gabi I will hug  - Big Time! - when next we meet! -dave

PS: Come visit.
PPS: Brings lots of Jakordia cigarette papers because DOWN HERE, in Italy - South of Switzerland - they cost the Earth!...:)


c 2011/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza/italy/yup! -South of u know where: cuckoo! -cuckoo!...:)

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix/Take 20: The "DOH!" Identity!

Take 20: The "DOH!" Identity!

(An idea for a potentially MEGA-blockbuster movie with a Positive outlook!)

...Starring? LORD BORGO
(Kung Fu Anglo Saxon dude)

...One day?... OK. One day...Lord Borgo wakes up with NO memory, but? -the secret Micro-chip he discovers - whilst surrepticiously wiping his anus DOES in fact have a Bank of America credit card code - credit limit: $500 - inscribed, the PIN number, tattooed on the left side of his "test-tackles"!

So; instead of zooming off to Switzerland or Monte Carlo to connect with some hi-tech bank where they finger print you/anal laser beam-I.D. confirmations...Lord Borgo goes to the nearest ATM/Geldomat... and punches in the numbers!

AHAH!
(No dice)
Apparently, Lord Borgo (before the Alhzeimers kicked in) was something of a Party-Boy!

....At which point - in this potententially MEGA-blockbuster movie (with a positive outlook) Lord Borgo & the STORY of "The DOH! Identity" continues.....!
(Watch this space!)

In the NEXT installment of "The DOH! Identity"...Lord Borgo invents "something" close to a Micro-wave (he sets his kitchen on fire), enjoys Morretti - Italian - beer, chain smokes (a lot) and TRIES to discover just which college he actually went to back in the 1970's!!!!!....

c 2011/dave delacroix/hollywood? U steal this concept? I will piss in your soup!!!!!/piacenza/italy/any contract should include an expensive dental plan/& purleeze get that tattoo surgically removed from my "test-tackle"-at YOUR expense!

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix/Take 19: Come-Uppence!

Take 19:  Come-Uppence!

(for folks who ARE loyally following this book/blog: a Christmas carol...)

Artemis Blagovich-Smith (my own personal Stalker) having recently (see earlier blog-posts) married the "belladonna" of Piacenza,  the beautiful (bust-wise: full 10 score) Lenore...just got back from his 2 week honeymoon SPENT, I am informed, at his new "mother-in-law's" shanty house on the "via Roma", somewhere near the railway station...and is full of banter...and finds ME busking for "small change" on the  Corso Vittorio Emmanuelle II, the town's main pedestrian drag.

I try to get rid of him as the Civic Code here (in Piacenza) only allows for 30 minutes of playing "Good Golly Miss Molly!" so as not to piss off the shop keepers, residents and the tenants who inhabit the upper "pianos" (levels) of every business hereabouts.

However. All is in vain. And he?  (Artemis Blagovich-Smith) rails me with his usual grotesque & pornographic diatribe...regarding his wedding night nuptials...which include the repetitive expression of "double penetration"  (apparently his "Best Man" shared the "love nest") and again;  apparently, his ONLY romantic "panting" - to belladonna Lenore - consisted of: "Gimme some Dopamine, Baby!"

(Again) HOWEVER! -I glean from his jabber that this particular "Union of Love"  might be "On The Rocks!" -to quote old Poet-Bro, Sebastian Barker.

Il Belladonna Lenore (and Artemis's "Best Man") having buzzed off together to Turin (Torino); "To go see the Shroud?"...

Anyways; I'm already giving up on making a dime, busking on the Corso Vittorio Emanuele II. It's cold and business is "lento". ( Molasses, baby!)  So wishing Artemis "Buono fortuna!" I make to skip off to the Circolo Recreativo (my private drinking club) to go get a "buzz" and chuckle the night away.

"I am the most BEAUTIFUL Man in the World, Dave!" -he hollers after me.

"You bet!" (Johnny Depp!) I laugh back.

Like  a "Magnificent Amberson", Artemis Blagovich-Smith looks like he finally got his "come-uppence"...and? -quite naturally, at such a point in people's lives;
there is no-one around to care.


c 2011/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza/italy/a Christmas carol

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix/Take 18: October Song

 Take 18:   October Song

...As the forever, chirpy,  (USA) Comedienne "Mrs Hughes" points out... on the subject of getting, er...old, older, /menopause?... Her "hot flashes" are sooo bad she thinks SHE is personally responsible for Global Warming/THAT, and the fact, that Al Gore has been stalking her since last Christmas... So TOO from the Male gender point-of-view.....!

Your memory? (Where was I?)
Oh, yes. Your memory goes. No-one actually knows just where to.
(the Alien lunch box?)
...Forget about people's Names. If it's a Guy? - "Hey, buddy!"
A Girl? - "Hi, Sweetie-pie!"
(even if it's your Mother)
Your finger & toe nails assume you're already dead and go into growth Over-drive!
Teeth continue to rot (or disappear). Hair? (Ha-ha!) If you still have some (around your Dick) turns grey and (like Rats abandoning the sinking ship) continue to FLEE with every grooming; speaking of which? -"said Member" is also a long lost friend and a distant visual, er...cousin.
...You have to do a "crunch" (kneel down), stretch a very long arm, scale and traverse that abdominal mountain - the result of  "mucho" brewskies - just to LOCATE the little fucker!
The only time HE/IT really wants to say "Hello!" is 5 times a night whilst you are trying to get some "shut-eye"...due to your "enlarged" prostate
As for the REST of your miserable Life?... Like meeting Facebook friends in person? HE/IT doesn't want to know ya!
"Send me an E-Mail!" he says.
"Oh!" I reply. "So it's like that!?"
"Johnny Depp!" (You bet!)

And there's a POINT to this "October Song".... And I DID write it down somewhere...

I just CAN'T remember where I.....


c 2011/dave delacroix/lord borgo/piacenza/frickin xmas/italy/OVID in exile

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix: Take 18: Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Take 18: Red Hot Chilli Peppers


"...Do not go gently..." into THIS good Soup, for -BEHOLD! (Lord Borgo speaking) I have discovered - to the tune of: "All by Myself" - one of thee greatest potable products known to Man, courtesy of EYE-OH, the Arabian dude at my neighbourhood "Mescellania" (arab-kosher butcher/veg market), a spit from the Basilica St Sepulcro, Piacenza, Italy.
It's called HARISA: distilled (?) Tunisian hot red peppers (pulp) who markets it for 2 euros a'pop (in a jar) which makes ANY Curry "worthy", and any "worthy" into a Curry; least ways? -a Versuvio of a Chilli!

Let's hear what the Critics have to say:

CHRISTOPER WALKEN: "Well, ya kne-ow?" -corpse-like, "It's like; ya kne-ow?"

BRISKET & EBERT: "One and a Half thumbs UP!"

DONALD TRUMP: "It's fired! YOU'RE FIRED! I'm gonna buy shares!"

JOHNNY DEPP: (having tasted said product) "I think I need a new tattoo."

NICK NOLTE:  "AAAWWWW GODDAMMIT!" and then, as an after-thought: "AAAWWWW GODDAMMIT!"

AL  PACINO:  (re. the spice:) "Welcome to my leetle friend!... PWAH!!!!"

ROBERT de NIRO:  (positively glowing after having tasted said product:) "U lookin at ME!!? U lookin at ME?!!"

BARBARA STREISAND: (Sorry Babs. We don't have enough blog space!)

DAVID LETTERMAN: (Sorry Dave. Same thing. Talk to Babs.)

ANTHONY  "Tony"  BOUDAIN: "Once again!? It was like my HEAD exploded into FLAMES!?"

THE DALAI LAMA: "Almost as good as a FREE TIBET!....Where I once had a job!"

OSAMA BIN LARDEN: ......

...And the credits go on.


c 2011/davedelacroix/lord borgo/piacenza/italy/chowing on down

OUR MAN in EUROPE/dave delacroix: (Piacenza) Take 17: Barney Fife International! (The B.F.I.)

Take 17: Barney Fife International!  (The B.F.I)


I am  able to report that in the "city" of Piacenza, Italy, of course, there are 5 flavors of "Barney Fifes."

The big shots? The CARRABINERI who dress like Napoleon (Bonaparte), least ways, his Imperial Guard, in all their uniform splendor.
And, in fact? -splendid they look!

Next? The POLEZI. Very Gestapo. THEY, I guess, get to clean up ( any criminal mess) when the CARRABINERI have "told you off for pee-ing on ancient statues" and are busy filing triplet reports.
(to who?)

Then there's the "Citta" (city) cops (more storm troopers)...who if no-one is looking (the most honest of the lot!) will just kick your Ass for being a public nuisance.
(Jeeze, folks! I've seen it a million times!)

There then follows an ARMY of bureaucrats, Civic cops, Public Utility cops...and ALL of them (including the CARRABINERI), so I'm led to believe, are only allowed ONE actual bullet...which they must keep in their uniform/vest pocket...in case of emergencies:
                                                                            Mad Monks!
                                                                            Nun Agitators!
                                                                            Pilgrim Panderers!
                                                                            Rampant Paedophile Priests
being the latest (DOH!) social phenomena!

Belligerent American tourists, of course? No big deal. When you go on Safari - with ONE bullet - you DONT shoot the blessed Zebra. You're actually after a rhino, an elephant, or a lion!
 A kick in the ass? You behave and go on your way.

But back to the (local) cops.

The pistols they (the cops, hopefully not YOU)...they wear, incidentally, are standard Glock 9mm's which, in the words of Clint Eastwood (sorta-kinda) can/will "blow your head CLEAN OFF!" -which, however, comes with thee adviso (from the local cop):

(In Italian, for gods sake!): "Just gimme a MO, dude, whilst I load the frickin bullet!"....adding; "Meantime? My colleagues will beat the shit outta ya; though, regarding the ensuing blood on your clothes?...My Uncle Giuseppe has a Dry Cleaning business and will take care of your laundry at a discount price; just mention my name!..."



c 2011/davedelacroix/under house arrest with a case of Peroni beer/piacenza/vive italia!