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Friday, September 12, 2014

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/DA MENU MURDERS/Murdere a'la Carte, " Pyschotic Chefs and Olive Oil"


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/The Menu Murders/Murder a'la Carte: "Psychotic Chefs & Olive Oil."



24)  PSYCHOTIC CHEF


The jailhouse Confession:  "Well, of course, U can mix-mingle cucumber and hazel nuts in Basmati rice. I do it all the time; ask my peers?"
(D & D: Culinary Murder D-tect dude:) "PEERS?"
"Other fucks who SCRAMBLE!" exclaimed WOODY, the tried, convicted, sentenced to ASAP execution as soon as the locals could pay the Utility bill.
"SCRAMBLE!?" he blasted.
"Scramble?..." -whispered D & D.
"An Omelet, idiot!" retorted the "Woodster."
"Have U done it before; before, I mean," suggested D & D,  "...before the last 20 victims?"
"Actually?" Woody looking at his lack of manicure; "I'd say about, umm, 35.5 times?"
"O.5?"
"One of dem bitches slipped the nose?" he suggested.
"Which is how U got nailed?"
"Like Jesus?..."
"I had YOU in mind..."
"Well then..."
"Woody? Just for the record? -OFF the record, if U prefer? - WHY?"
(.....short pause, then Woody elucidates:) "Hasn't anyone ever pissed U off?"
"Poisoning, though?" responds D & D, "Isn't that a bit excessive?"
Woody blinks: "Ya think?"
"ON MELROSE!?" (Blvd in L.A.)
"Good a place as any...?"

D & D, Unshaven DAN quitting this situ, lock-up, etc., taxied home. His nerves were too frail to drive his own jalopy. He immediately hit the Cucina (kitchen-thingy), peeled an onion, chopped garlic and ginger root, drowned all of the above in Extra-Virgin Olive oil, put the damn thing in a large - Teflon - frying pan, switched on the TV - DAVE LETTO Tonight Show - flopped on the couch, fell into a deep sleep...and his house burnt down. Apologetic explanations to his neighbors went down like vinegar and a hopeful suggestion - maybe? - of a Summer BBQ for their kids was received with dismal dismay.
And so it goes.


25)  "Olive Oil"


Olive Oyle (friend of Popeye) was a gal to Love! All she said was...was...leave ME alone!..? She listened - constantly - to RADIO MARCONI CLASSICO and was  ergo, a bane to her neighbors -
yet happy in her life. (Wot's wrong with Vivaldi!?), and flowers on her window sill.

Alas, this wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for ONE of her neighbors (Desperate-unshaven  DAN)  - She was "Brunette Ambition" in HIS eyes? So! GUILTY of being too beautiful (cops-in-bags were in a fog/D & D lived on the same street) and  was called/invited to review the Case of the "hottie" who lived on this (USA) lonely suburban street where  the DEVIL found his mark  Or?...ask the next random murder victim. The Devil Incarnate! They'll be happy to confirm it.

D & D nailed the Plumber, 2 doors down (Why are they always Plumbers? -least, like Postal workers, they don't wipe out the entire office staff, but /maybe it's  because it's a lonesome gig?). Anyhow, D & D nailed the S.O.B.. He was covered in the victims - prep for dinner - olive oil; and OLIVE OIL - my friends? -  DON'T LIE.




c 2014/davedelacroix/Lake Como/near George Clooney's shack, Italia.



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