Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Dis Side of Paradise"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "DIS Side of Pardisio!"


(co-written...with the GHOST of BLIND BILL HOUSTON/Texas dude-lived in an AIRSTREAM TRAILER with pink TUFU-ballerina: "FI-FI!"

"DIZ SIZE OF PARADIZE!"


"...It ain't WOT U GOT? It's wot it IS!: no gittin' round it! -Some will CHEAT, some will honestly steal? (I always try to?). And SOME - the Worst? - will buy U ROSES: Watch out for DEM. (Da dem!)

It ain't wot U got? And that's just the WAY it is? -- GO UP? GO DOWN? (Clowns on da town!); but at least it relieves da boredom, except for the Ones who by U Roses; watch out for DEM?

It ain't wot U got^ - Is it High or Low, come sun, fair and shine? Come Spring, or Autumns' fall? And ALL - it is wot it is? - no use CRYING over where is last year's Snow?
As for DEM?:
(Remember da GIGOLO with da Roses?) -on this side of paradise; Vermont, Savoy (U skied so well!?)
And the voice of your Youth...that sang so well.


c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/lord borgo/piacenza-italia, ALIVE!

Our Man in Europe/DAVE DELACROIX/ "Last Oil!"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "LAST OIL."


...On the VERY last day of the OIL CRISIS...it hit Italy first. America was spared a few months due to the innovative industry of "backwoods" MOONSHINE"  folks, down dere' in ALABAM, Kentucky and Tennessee; their "produce" - defying ALL USA Safety regulations - was (Politically?) deemed "Pitiful, yet, a necessary evil." -TRANS-AM/CORVETTES actually RAN on the "stuff", sold in 1-litre MASON-DIXON jars? -But the products FUMES were so pungent that, not only wouldn't  the damn car stay on a straight line, but driver and passengers were in-directly intoxicated; ERGO! The "Barney Fifes" (USA Cops in State Trooper bags) were restricted to busting only SOBER drivers to pay for America's rotting infra-structure?

Singing (Frank Zappa:) "Well-a-well-a well? -I said WELL?"

...In ITALY (Ze Oil crisis?) wasn't too - awesomely - significant. Switzerland's got the Assets, paper money, account numbers:  Italy's got the booze; the alcohol/Vino! --- DA DAMN SOCIAL DRUG...!

...It was "rationed", of course. And, today? -instead of THREE people jolly-ing along on a two seater VESPA (Scooter-thingy) there are now SIX -with GRANDMA on the top!

Grand-son/driver: "Grande madre! Tutte bene?" (Grand.ma? Are U OK?)
Grande madre replies: "(In Italiano:)
"Shut the frick up! SUBITO!
 And get me to da God-damn Super-mercato!"...




c 2014/sept/davedelacroix/our man in europe/Lord Borgo





  

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Dream-Catcher!"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Dream-Catcher!"


...Dream-catcher, won't U catch my dream,
alone in my room, a Siren's scream?
Yet, there's no-one to hear it
and nothing seems quite right?
Dream-catcher? Catch my Dream, tonight.

Dream-catcher, won't U stay a while?
My Dream may be old and out of style?
Dream-catcher, above my bed,
where Nothing is certain: Alive or dead?

-Dream-catcher?
Just don't leave too soon; and I will sleep, tonight...



c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/LAGO COMO, Italia.

Our Man in Europe/dave D3elacroix Esq./MENU for Murder/Murder a'la Carte! -MEATLOAF!

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/Menu for Murder/Murder a'la Carte! -MEATLOAF.


"Meatloaf"


"D  & D" looked - Sterling! - into the dead eyes of the "Meatloaf-Killer". And SHE - like a Paedophile Catholic Priest - had had quite a closet career. She had worked - in addition to TWIN-CITIES (Minneapolis-St. Paul) - ALL across America in 50 or so dinner-restaurants, and ALL high and low., 3 star! FIVE STAR! And at every one?  -Customers died in their DROVES. (Took a while to figure it out?) Some establishments; customer didn't come back. Old regular? Guess he passed away? And SOME - mass - incidents - Food poisoning? -Madame Meatloaf always got away. But sooner or later, the FBI - in Missoula, Montana, got curious; an Agent's Aunt died of something ODD at the SCREAMING JACK Dinner out North by Billings?... Still; the FEDS were foxed. And not UN-disposed for asking the CIA, NSA, INTERPOL and the RUSSIAN KGB: They settled on "D & D" (Private-Dick-food murder dude/missing Aunts on the Milk Carton?).

"D & D (a CORNEILLE Alumni) who, at the time of the FBI's telephone call was dining on  his Grandmother's  WORST MEATLOAF (he was choking on da stuff!) had no compunction but to splutter into the FBI phone: "Look for the person who made the MEATLOAF!!!"

...It was a NO-BRAINER. 3 weeks later, "D & D" looks into the DEAD EYES of the "Meatloaf-Psycho". In that Phoenix-Arizona police station thingy, you could cut the atmosphere with a soft knife. Yup! The cell was rank. And yet; kinda when the tension smoke had cleared; D & D - sincerely - asked the Meatloaf Killer: "Honey? Are U related to my Grandma?"...


c 2014/davedelacroix/august/pavia-italia...:)

ralph123

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/MENU for MURDER/Murder a'la Carte> SPOTTED DICK...and ICING ON THE CAKE.


Our Man in Europe, dave Delacroix, MENU FOR MURDER,,,, "Spotted Dick"
(info:"spotted dick" is the old english eupherism for black, pigs blood salami)

DICK & DICK, Detective Agency, incidentally, was founded by TWO DUCKS in L.A.: Dick Raymond (call me Ray?) and,  Ray Dickensian,  the surviving partner,  in 19-something, 80's, whenever. Records are either sketchy or scratchy; their accountant was - ironically, murdered -  so for more info, please consult  your parent's LP record collection/Simon and Garfinkel or Carole King. Regardless:  Only one DICK remains. The OTHER Dick just didn't make it.. We always refer to him as "Spotted Dick" ? He was a Film-flam man. A dupe for the gals. A certain Miss Shauwnessy and a bunch of "low-life's" in search of a DEAD - jeweled -  BIRD cancelled his ticket: exit (Spotted Dick?)  to Dante's 3rd rung., leaving D & D solo, but he hung on to the "handle" outta kindness I suppose?

2010, D & D is hot on the trail of the SERIAL PEANUT ALLERGY serial killer/fruit case. And as it's an on-going investigation I suggest passing on the NUTS? Masturbation? Sex? Climbing a pine tree in the Nude?...No thank U. And NO spotted Dick for William. Which William? -Sometimes, it's hard to tell, tell, TELL...to be continued.

c2018,davedelacroix, Piacenza,, Italy.



27)  MENU FOR MURDER>  "Icing on the Cake"

Mathew (13), Louise (11), and "Baby-May" (9) had been abducted at an Interstate truck stop whilst their parents were fornicating in the back of the Station-wagon: "Here's some BUCKS. Go get some Ice-cream?" And so they "got some" (Ice-cream?) but hopped - it was kind'a open? - into the back of an 18 wheeler PETERBILT truck half filled with Condoms and SARSONS DARK (Chocolate!) Cases of da stuff!... Whilst they were indulging in blowing Condom balloons and munching down on candy bars, the PETERBILT high-tailed it from Nebraska (USA) to North Alberta (Canada) on it's way to Alaska, kids in tow.

For "D and D" (lost kids/fuck ups/we find 'em Agency, INC)  it was a reverse FERMAL'S EQUATION (x3+y3=zeeee3). He (D & D)  bagged 'em (da kids?) in a town called MOOSE JAW all looking despondent...which is WHEN the shit hit the fan? -These "kids" were outright Bandits. They totally trashed his FORD MUSTANG (rental), got caught shoplifting at every (pee) rest-stop, didn't wash-stunk to child wild heaven and SANG Brittney Spears' "OOPS I DID IT AGAIN!?" for over one - slow - thousand -slow -Miles..and all the way home. AND - may we ADD, all the way home to their - always fornicating - parents.
At the END of this assignment, however; having saved/delivered the THREE STOOGES IN EMBRYO (the kids?), D & D could only smile. A happy ending, despite their parent's nebulous Cheque...:)


2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/Ping's Cafe Sucre, pizzale Torino, Piacenza, Italy.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/DA MENU MURDERS/Murdere a'la Carte, " Pyschotic Chefs and Olive Oil"

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/The Menu Murders/Murder a'la Carte: "Psychotic Chefs & Olive Oil."



24)  PSYCHOTIC CHEF


The jailhouse Confession:  "Well, of course, U can mix-mingle cucumber and hazel nuts in Basmati rice. I do it all the time; ask my peers?"
(D & D: Culinary Murder D-tect dude:) "PEERS?"
"Other fucks who SCRAMBLE!" exclaimed WOODY, the tried, convicted, sentenced to ASAP execution as soon as the locals could pay the Utility bill.
"SCRAMBLE!?" he blasted.
"Scramble?..." -whispered D & D.
"An Omelet, idiot!" retorted the "Woodster."
"Have U done it before; before, I mean," suggested D & D,  "...before the last 20 victims?"
"Actually?" Woody looking at his lack of manicure; "I'd say about, umm, 35.5 times?"
"O.5?"
"One of dem bitches slipped the nose?" he suggested.
"Which is how U got nailed?"
"Like Jesus?..."
"I had YOU in mind..."
"Well then..."
"Woody? Just for the record? -OFF the record, if U prefer? - WHY?"
(.....short pause, then Woody elucidates:) "Hasn't anyone ever pissed U off?"
"Poisoning, though?" responds D & D, "Isn't that a bit excessive?"
Woody blinks: "Ya think?"
"ON MELROSE!?" (Blvd in L.A.)
"Good a place as any...?"

D & D, Unshaven DAN quitting this situ, lock-up, etc., taxied home. His nerves were too frail to drive his own jalopy. He immediately hit the Cucina (kitchen-thingy), peeled an onion, chopped garlic and ginger root, drowned all of the above in Extra-Virgin Olive oil, put the damn thing in a large - Teflon - frying pan, switched on the TV - DAVE LETTO Tonight Show - flopped on the couch, fell into a deep sleep...and his house burnt down. Apologetic explanations to his neighbors went down like vinegar and a hopeful suggestion - maybe? - of a Summer BBQ for their kids was received with dismal dismay.
And so it goes.


25)  "Olive Oil"


Olive Oyle (friend of Popeye) was a gal to Love! All she said was...was...leave ME alone!..? She listened - constantly - to RADIO MARCONI CLASSICO and was  ergo, a bane to her neighbors -
yet happy in her life. (Wot's wrong with Vivaldi!?), and flowers on her window sill.

Alas, this wasn't GOOD ENOUGH for ONE of her neighbors (Desperate-unshaven  DAN)  - She was "Brunette Ambition" in HIS eyes? So! GUILTY of being too beautiful (cops-in-bags were in a fog/D & D lived on the same street) and  was called/invited to review the Case of the "hottie" who lived on this (USA) lonely suburban street where  the DEVIL found his mark  Or?...ask the next random murder victim. The Devil Incarnate! They'll be happy to confirm it.

D & D nailed the Plumber, 2 doors down (Why are they always Plumbers? -least, like Postal workers, they don't wipe out the entire office staff, but /maybe it's  because it's a lonesome gig?). Anyhow, D & D nailed the S.O.B.. He was covered in the victims - prep for dinner - olive oil; and OLIVE OIL - my friends? -  DON'T LIE.




c 2014/davedelacroix/Lake Como/near George Clooney's shack, Italia.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/MENU for MURDER/MURDERE a'la Carte... (Congestion: 21 thru 26)

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/Menu for Murder/Murder a'la Carte (Congestion: 21 thru 26)


21)  SPAGOES: Medium Rare.


"She walks in splendour like the night.." And she DID until JO-JO  - with a Chain-saw - cut her frickin' head off/could'a been a 12 bore shotgun or a Howitzer tank!? Every which way but lose, her head and other spare parts were posted as a displaced personality; the cops-in-bags, LAPD D-tects, after a "cursory glance - da smell was awesome! - and the bloodied-mangled mess was enough to establish her IDENTITY as she - da VIC  -  LUNA SPECTACULAR, was fond of "stabilo-ing" (thick marker-felt pen) her name on all her "undies" (Bra and G-string). And the WORD from her filthy rich pappy was: "BRING ME THE HEAD of LUNA SPECTACULAR!" (Shining Moon)
...All the "regular" D-tects got on the trail thinking it was a SAM PECKINPAH movie roundup! Mexico was hit first. Then Brazil (Even SERGIO MENDES was interviewed/he pointed to his in-house carpenter HARRISON FORD, a then, unknown actor, wearing a tool-belt?) -NO DICE. -which is when "D & D" (Private DICK -missing LUNA'S are our speciality/the tide is never out, etc. INC.)  was put on the case.

Again, it was a NO-BRAINER albeit a head without one. D & D went directly to SPAGOS (L.A. fashionista restaurant), ordered a "Gibson" (cocktail thingy)  then loudly sang: "Hello darkness my old friend"/SOUNDS OF SILENCE,  by Paul Simon and the other guy. And - wonder of wonders? - LUNA S. immediately popped out of the woodwork/high-end plastic decor and STARTED HARMONIZING!

-The "Kill-sex-flick" porn industry (in the San Fernando Valley) never  took so serious a blow. (Figure? -"Whilst JACKING OFF, this gal is NOT really dead!? What's going on???)?... From then on they had to start using NON-IDENTITY rubber dolls with NO autographed underwear and the OLD MAN (Luna's pappy) gave D & D  $10,000 for his trouble.

OH! Re. SPAGOES?  (Hor d'heuves ain't bad) But in reference to that institution of culinary magesty and the haunt of movie stars,  (LUNA and D & D  went to Corneile - University -  together/probably had sex) so he knew just how to find her and make her break her cover. Again: A No-brainer!  Heads are heads but BRAINS?
They mostly come Medium Rare.



22)  The TACO Belle


MARY-JANE  (Marijuana) came from South of the Border, smuggled into Texas by a "Coyote" who stripped her of all her dignity and left her - semi-demoralized - on I-10 (Interstate highway) either side of the town of Fort Jackson where, incidentally, Tarantula spiders and Scorpions warm themselves  in the dawn desert sun.
She was young and quite alone.
20 years later "MARIA" (abridged her handle?) owns the BURRITO EXPRESS outside of San Antonio; a thriving Rock & Roll diner biz patronized by locals, L.A. fashion folks, truckers, kickers and the classic  Cowboy Angels. Also, it's location is lonesome but the food is on  "par excellence" and it's a West Texas landmark with a convenient nearby airstrip for CELEBS from L.A. or Las Vegas.
Anyhow; D & D  was called in. Apparently Maria's God-child had gone missing by Tijuana, across the border? And at this time 200 (TWO frickin' HUNDRED!) young girls had gone missing/murdered/a schoolgirl massacre!!!
Naturally, Maria was MORE than anxious. The (Mexican) "Federales" didn't seem too concerned. The Texas Rangers couldn't do crap. And the FBI? -"Not our jurisdiction."?
D & D  located the kid. She was THIS SIDE OF DEJA VU (a murder vic's last thoughts) and he extricated -'  grand-kids...
Still; not the worse - if that expression is remotely possible? - for wear (TOUGH TERRAIN here, people!)  and with SOME "boogaloo" and a flashy Pontiac (auto) across the TEX-MEX border the family were re-united and the rest is a Willy Nelson song: A TACO BELLE.

Finally, after 8,000 DOS EQUIS (beers) mucho feasting and dance, the next day, D & D took a pew in the BURRITO-EXPRESS, ordered coffee, black-no sugar, heaved a significant sigh, then chowed on down on a platter of RED HOT CHILLI beans, tortillas and rice and galloshes of MESCALE.

Needless to say? -he didn't worry 'bout the tab.



c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/Bar Vespa-Piacenza.

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "MENU for MURDERS/Murder a'la Carte." : Posts 14 - 18.

Our Man i n Europe/dave delacroix/ "Menu for Murders/Murder a'la Carte"... : Posts 14 - 18".


14)   NO BAGELS for BOOGALOO!


"Boogaloo" -Hollywood Socialite "did da DIVE" or - at least? - was assisted. Reportedly jumped off the SUNSET BLVD HYATT penthouse balcony  (into the pool?/I don't think there IS ONE? - a pool? Must be IN-DOORS!!?) Boogaloo? disappeared or was RIGOR BACON.  (But - secret voice/unbeknowst to da status quo?)   -She moved - immediately - to NYC (New York City) because of the NO SMOKING "thingy" in California. The POT was OK? But she was a TRIED-AN-TESTED - like her Beverley Hills PARENTS - an alcoholic? -Smoking MARY-JANE , afterwards, demanded 2 hours with her blonde "locks" and face in the Bidet!?  This was not HER idea of a good time. (She sez as much on her Facebook page?) : "Gimmie da GIN!!!"
Having - incognito - moved to NYC, lower Manhattan, Greenwich Ville, daddy had a CIB out there? ? -she hung out in Tompkins Square and met the"T.S. Cannibal". A killer!... She was quickly dispatched.
(AMMO- domini-spirito-sanctoi etc!?)

...Her parents were LOADED of course, so they hired "D & D" (Lost Kids/we  find 'em - FAT - -DD-tect agency!) and like a blessed bloodhound he traced BOOGALOO to NYC, lower Manhattan, and to a certain NYC landmark, Tompkins Square; a PARK, but - alas? - only a triangle of lawn, and not too much hope of finding her body as most of the VELVET UNDERGROUND, NICO, ANDY WARHOLS BEST FRIENDS and even DAVID BOWIE'S distant cousins  are all - inter-mingled? - are buried there?
The local BAGEL GUY was full of POLISH wisdom and the JEWISH Coffee shop grandpa was an encyclopedia? Still in that triangle green space (da park) a "blonde dude", Bohemian-guitarist/fashionista-failed IGGY POP-type  was holding Court?...

"D & D" couldn't put his finger on it?

3 years later, the above IGGY POP WANNABEE blonde frick was caught, arrested and beaten to crap in the "holding cell" as several girls had gone missing? -He was a dang CANNIBAL. Some of his VICS were carved up in pots and pans? BOOGALOO'S HEAD was - on ice  for a special occasion?  - DANG! DANG! DANG! Said "D & D", in retrospect? 
"Me or the FBI?...I should' got dat one!"



15)  DEVILED EGGS (Family Plot!)


Elena Goldstein from Brent wood (Los Angeles) was a COLD FISH. Her kid, by marriage,  a SON, named MIMO had gone missing (2 Weeks?) -16 years old: It was "inexplicable!?"
"D & D" (D-Tect-Missing kids on Milk cartons or Mercedes Benz-WE find ' em AGENCY) his services were secured.
(In the D-tect biz? Interviews are Paramount.)

Interview with ELENA G. :

D & D:  "Was he happy at home?"
ELENA G.: "Swat du mean?"
D & D: "At school. Lady?"
ELENA G. : "Jez!"
D & D: "Did he harbor any thoughts?"
"Not."
."..Did he want to be an ACTOR?"
"Not."
"! A Musician, perhaps?"
"NOT!"
" Did U think he wanted to run away with-CIRCUS?..."
...ELENA G: "U are  IDIOT!.  MIMO? Complete IDIOT. He was  computer NERD!"
D & D: "No drugs?"
ELENA G: (Silent)

2 whole weeks later (500 big ones - US Dollars -  per day, plus exe's?) "D&D" tracks MIMO to a drug den in TULUCA LAKE (It's in L.A.) and makes the mistake of advising ELENA (Mommy Dearest) in advance..of his discovery.; she ADVENTS him  and (rickety russian handgun) shoots  up the WHOLE DRUG DEN - fails to murder her step-sonj/the one incumbent of a HUGE TRUST-FUND/no getting her grubby hands on it  till the little beggar is DEAD and is promptly arrested by "Cops-in-bags", shedding crocodile tears.

2 months later? -Elena G. and MIMO (Junkie kid?), at their Court hearing, sorta-kind'a smile at one another. through ICICLE-CHILL.
"Can U FE£EL da love?" -embarks thje defense attorney: A Mother & Child Re-union?"

WOTCHAGONNADO"!? -And NO-ONE in the L.A. Courthouse, including "D & D" can't wait to buzz cross town, get a "liquid lunch" then THROW UP!
Tomorrow's tabloids, no doubt, will have the "Inside Story"...



c 2014/davedelacroix/our man in europe/whoopie!

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Menu Murders/Murder a'la Carte!" ( posts: 10 - 12

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Menu Murders/Murder a'la Carte." (posts 10 - 12)

10)  The Plum Tomato.

Sometimes, the tough break IS the "tough break"? Ya look into the Abyss but the Abyss looks into U too? -"D & D" (private dick-I find missing kids on milk cartons?) on the PLUM TOMATO case? -A case without END because of its emotional severity... The "bag-cops" (uniforms) did their job; even the CSI fashionistas - destroying evidence where ever they walked, bystanders, Paparazzi all did their bit; but what they DIDN'T see? -talk to "D & D": Young girl (a kid), raped-half strangled-then killed in a mid-west town off Interstate Indifference. Only "the lonely" could see her plight and D & D led the LAW & (some) ORDER and brought light to the Night.

The next door neighbor, of course, had watched the young lady grow, year by year and considered her - again, year-in, year-out - as a "plum tomato" which,  when he considered RIPE -he plucked of all Innocence. And guilty of Sin, guilty of intent to rape and murder? -he was her shadow in the Sun. On D & D's advice he was dutifully handcuffed and read "most of his civil-rights"  and yet, was then promptly  kicked to death by his own neighbors!

The local Law-Enforcement Community stood their ground and watched. The T.V. crews (from 3 separate stations) showed up much later and, in conclusion; dead VIC, dead PERP, the PLUM TOMATO case turned into a MEDIA "auto da fe!" There was only a "snippet" on National TV. She was 9 years old..and Black.



11)  Fish Supper.

SEA TALES tend to get a bit tired; bunch of scurvy knaves, flintlock pistols -which take 5 minutes to load and "cutlasses" (broad swords) which weigh a ton? Either way, actually killing someone with BOTH these instruments includes some thought and MOST blackguards - even Scurvy Knaves -  aren't traditionally inclined? And yet, THE MERRY SKIPPER shipped into Fisherman's Wharf (San Francisco) all sweet and delight despite the absence of 4 of her 5 compliment of crew?
Incidentally, The Merry Skipper was a CONCH boat -45 feet long/one cabin, 2 holds for conch, oysters, etc. Anyhow, one of her "compliment" (named:) "Little Jim" made it back. This was back in the Summer of 1825., but "D & D" (ace D-tect/we can figure it out, INC.) was intrigued an  by invitation of a LLOYDS of LONDON Insurance Agent; a direct descendant of "Little Jim".?

It WAS - again - a No-brainer!" After a cursory inquest by the - such as it was, then? - Naval Inquest, Little Jim was absolved/dismissed from all responsibility who subsequently ZAPPED to Chicago, Illinois, got a gig with Magnet J.P.Morgan and kept his feet firmly on the ground (terra-firma), never to be a-sea again!... Apparently, for he confessed in a secret diary which D & D somehow UN-earthed -  GREAT WHITE SHARKS had gobbled up the the Conch-seeking crew of The Merry Skipper as, Little Jim? -fed up with his Cabin Boy rank and life aboard had hoisted sail whilst all crew were busy on the shoals and sea bed and hoisted sail - and hightailed it back to port!

D & D, after submitting a full "confidential" report to his client, not only didn't get paid but never heard from the LLOYDS of LONDON dude again!