Our Dude-ster! -in Europe/dave delacroix/ ONION SOUP!

Our Dude-Ster in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Onion Soup..."

(Dedicato: Marc Pierson)

(Sub-titled: Agatha Christie: Why didn't they ask Dupont?)


Onion Soup...

...Guy with tangled bicycle wearing a b/w striped shirt, black beret, ring of onions around his neck...is HIT & RUN by some ASSASSIN driving an economy-sized, black FIAT on the Champs d'Elysses, in Paris-   France.
Eyewitnesses:

 "O my God! It happened so FAST!?"

 "O my God! Dat FIAT came out of NOWHERE!"

(American Tourist:) "O my God! Dat "Frog" didn't have a "frickin" chance!?.. A FIAT, right? He's Spaghetti, Man!"

GENDARME DUPONT (arriving first at the scene:):  "Monsieur! (addressing USA tourist,) "FER-LEEZE! Le FAX!!!?"

Italian Tourist:, interrupting: "A FIAT wouldn't DO that!" -shaking her head, negatively.

G-Dupont: "Madame?"

Ital. T.: "NO CRUCIFIX hanging from the rear view mirror-thingy?"

G-Dupont: "U sure?"

Ital. T.: "(crossing herself) "You bet! FRENCH CONNECTION, I think. "Coq au vin!" Capito?"

G-Dupont: "NOT a Fiat?"

Ital. T.: "Definitely a PEUGOT. The DRIVER wore a b/w striped shirt, a black beret and a string of onions around his neck!"

G-Dupont: "Madame? THAT is the description of the VICTIM!.... (gasping:) ...Did the driver ALSO have a tangled BICYCLE in his Peugeot!?"

Ital. T.: "He MIGHT have. I didn't get a close look. Ask that English couple with Umbrellas. They were much closer?"

G-Dupont:  (addressing the Limeys:) "Bonjour, Madame et Monsieur. Witness to the accident?..."

English Male: "COR BLIMEY, mate! U could 'ave hit me wiv a FEATHER! Me and the Wife, as right as oranges, gettin' ready for the "apples & pears" up the Eiffel Tower; then, as soon as U can say "how's your FATHER?", this BLOKE comes out of NOWHERE, struck down by GIDEONS!!! -I said: Well, wife? I said, what do U make of THAT? Bloody Foreigners, drivin' on the WRONG side of the road, and THEN, Monsieur "Defarge" doesn't even make it to the Guillotine! A bloody Omelet, I says: KNEES UP Mother
Brown! And definitely TOO heavy on the Onion, though, as my own dead mother would say..."

G-Dupont: "Stop! Stop! Arette! Monsieur! THE CAR?"

English Male: "Foreign job. Mercedes DSL 350. V-8 engine/fuel injection/auto starter!"

G-Dupont: "U sure?"

Eng. M.: "Ask the wife!"

Wife: "Just as "Nobby", my husband,  says. But you MIGHT ask that nice SPANISH couple. They were much closer?..."

G-Dupont: "Merci, Madame."

...Did I mention, all this takes place in mid-August? DEAD-Guy, sauteed in Onion rings, is fast getting Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Anyhow, Gendarme-Dupont quickly discovers "that nice Spanish couple" have little to add, except: "OLE! OLE!"/a NORMAL situation - in a City of FAMED bad drivers - on the Champs d'Ellysses...in their festa Rioja eyes?
THEN!!! -Enter the Paris CHIEF-OF-POLICE, on hand, due to chaperoning the veritable PRESIDENT of FRANCE, cruising up the Champs d'Ellysses/ He pokes his nose in and the LONE Gendarme, Dupont, must "cede" authority, but the PRESIDENT of FRANCE - also intrigued - steps out of his limousine and also initiates "enquiries": "C'mon, ca-va?"

Chef de P: "Un accident, Monsieur le President."

English Male: "Bloody foreigner got squashed by a V-8!!!"

President: "V8!? Is this Political?"

Spaniards: "OLE!!!"

Chef de P: "Absolutely -NON!"

Ital. T.: "Molto Francaisi!"

President: "Inside job?"

Eng. M.: "V-8, Auto Starter!! I've seen it before! Ask the Wife!"

Wife: "U tell 'em, Nobby!"

President: "Get me to the Palais Royal, VITE!!!"

Later, when the V.I.P. ensemble have departed, tourists scattered, Gendarme-Dupont wipes his brow and sits down at the nearest Cafe-patio, right there, on the Champs d'Ellysses...
The ORIGINAL "witness" to the scene of the "accident", THE AMERICAN, sitting nearby, introduces himself: "Bonjour." (he says) "I also was a Witness. I didn't see much, but if I tell U that the "victim" was involved in International ESPIONAGE and carrying ULTRA TOP SECRET MICROFILM-NANO-CHIPS,  concealed inside his Onions...and for the Honor of France and the Defense of the Western Hemisphere, it was sanctioned/ordained/requested, that a "fatal accident" should occur?..." -he gets up to leave: "...Please except and enjoy another "pastiche" (PERNOD) on behalf of your Country, the Honor of France, and her Allies?",
adding, "By the way? Keep your ears open for ANYTHING to do with the "matter" of the "V-8"?" -and departs.
Naturally, G-Dupont, having had a "full" day, commutes home, divests himself of his Police uniform, gets into his "Jammie's" (pyjamas), hits his refrigerator, grabs the ABSOLUT Vodka and a can of V-8 tomato juice, makes himeself a BLOODY MARY, settles back... and falls asleep  watching a re-run of "Inspector Maigret" on French T.V.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.....:)


c 2015/davedelacroix/our man in europe/milan-italy.