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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Menu Murders"/ Murder a'la carte! (stories 6 - 9) "Murder in maximes".

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Menu Murders"/Murder a'la carte! (stories 6 - 9): "MURDER IN MAXIMES."

6)  Muder in Maximes.

(Private Dick) "D & D" eats EVERYTHING, no problemo. The Escargot, however - in Maximes- crawled out of their shells and, despite being shoulder deep in garlic, positively yelled: "Dat fucker in da Tux killed his frickin' wife!!! -It wasn't da Chef!"  -which caught D & D's attention.
D & D (Private dick/speaks "Baby", "Dog", "Cat" (Meow!) and "Weasel" and now - apparently? - "Snail?") ,got the HINT backsides of Maximes? ... There's an alley there. A lonely b/w Bressai photo of old gay Paree?  A "dumpster", of course, (industrial trash disposal thingy)  guarded by the Hound of the Baskervilles (large Alsatian woof-dude!)?... Monsiuer Dupont - a Maximes regular - strangled his bitch-of-a-wife in that very same alley? (Body in dumpster-thingy?) And D& D CAME THRU! He just knew! -snail/escargot evidence? NO SIR!...

Later, some hack reporter asked, "D & D; How did U know he DONE her wrong?" (In French).  "It was ALL about da dog, right? Da dog didn't bark?"
D & D  replies: "Absolutely NOT dude. The dog in fact sang: "O sole mio" then pointed its PAW to da PERP!"
U CAN'T get away with murder in Maximes. That's THEIR job...when they hand U the bill.


7) Spaghetti...

BLACKMAIL is a dastardly business, but when U think about it, it's a One-way street? Somebody ALWAYS dies-usually, the blackmailer  who - invariably - is a disreputable character (owes money left and right//been working the same old plastic - think BIC razor? - all his life?) ...Frugal on the shaving cream, too?  -A case in scarlet!
The "mark" or "Vic" (dead fucker) was lilly-white and so was his vivacious WIFE (da blackmailer) with chain-sawed head and penis displaced? Think: Transvestite who got found out?.. Cops were confused. ME-FRICKIN' TOO! -The D-tects/CSI fashion-istas muddied the crime scene in NYPD plastic shoes! Lottsa' photos (facebook) shit going on - in case da Vic was a "Celeb"/make some Paparazzi extra cash? Yet some bright spark - out of his D-tect depth? -decided to call "D & D" (Dick & Dick- D-tect agency/"We do LOST FACES on milk cartons/We care, Inc.")... D & D sizes the " situ", points to the newly painted bathroom wall in this uptown, Madison avenue suite-apartment? The cops - in bags - tear it down only to find photos of "Lilly-White"  in INTIMISSI lingerie clutching bags of  "doobie" and $50,000 in unmarked bills?
LILLY-white got the CHAIR (executed) but D & D thought he'd better keep an eye on  "Vivacious"? He was in NO doubt she had made the spaghetti despite the fact that she too had been entombed inside the bathroom wall?
It was her TWIN sister, D & D  he was worried about? Frickin' spaghetti! Who murdered Who?...And just WHO was who?



8)  Too late the Hero.

"...Is it any wonder?" Is it any wonder "D & D" muses on his private time, why the D-tects, the Cops in bags, the CSI fashionistas and the "deep-cover" private dicks have kids who are all fucked up, their wives on pills, with in-laws who pretend they love you? The smear of human detritus CLINGS long past when you leave/clock out your gig? A Rock star exults a crowd, wraps a towel 'round his neck, goes backstage and slugs "Champers!" A Politician, just stress? -like a Lion he  strides back to his illusory Pride. A stockbroker -numbers, calculus in his head? -knowing his (or her's) immediate kin have been fed? A farmer thru great toil, surveys his fields with pride; a Trucker, cleans out his PETERBILT cab and says: "that's enough!"
D & D had just picked up one sole-bloodied dress earring. The "boyfriend" had done it; inevitably. The VIC was female, cocasion mid-40's, an alcoholic-tattooed "pain-in the-ass". And on THIS point, D & D had "inside" information. Her LEFT severed arm was tattooed with that exact message: "PAIN BABY"... He (D & D) wondered who her parents were? what - for her maturing Child, what she might have become had she  lived; and all the textured crime of the scene?
This particular "Vic" had cut-outs, from milk cartons, of missing children on her bedstead, refrigerator and wall to wall bathroom. D & D indicated to the cops-in-bags that they MIGHT hit the local L.A. bars and secure the "perp"; he wasn't going far; with the cautionary advisory: "Keep one eye out for the chain-saw?" Then he ignored the flash lite-cop-ambulance-Lady Gaga chaos and walked down a non-descript Los Angeles  Elm street and began to quietly SCREAM.

Some minutes, or one hour later, he found himself on Pico (boulevard) in West Hollywood and, walking past a Greek joint named HEROES,the food's scent crystallised in his veins?  He - SO MUCH - hated to be alive!...The VIC was in fact his Client and - too late - he had just located her missing abducted daughter.



9)   The FOUR SEASONS

The "Four Season" - aptly named? - It takes ALL of them - sometimes - to get a decent table? "D & D" however, had NO reservations. The STIFF (Vic), at table next to the kitchen's swing door...was RARE! Actually, going on RAW!). And punters at the adjacent tables were, possibly prematurely, starting to kick up a stink?
"MUST people die in a restaurant?" -some pearl necklace exclaims.
"Could'a took it outside before the 'Secondi!" -Armani-tuxedo, in reference to - in death - the last human act?
D & D, who happened to be dinning there quickly assessed the "cause d'affaire": "GASTRONOMIC SUICIDE!" -he belched to the Cops-in-bags.
The "Vic" was a notorious philanderer and what with 'dead-daddies' ill.gotten gains, he took pride in being SERVILE to all as sunder, especially "waiting" staff?
.....He was intentionally POSED of course. Index finger on dead poised lips. Other index almost tinkering with dead carnation fighting for survival thru his butt-hole? There's a LOT that "Broadway" can stage manage in a dinning alcove? HATS OFF!  But D & D (Private Dick/We find lost kids on Milk Cartons)... for once?...for ONCE and one time only?  -ignored the justice of LAW-over-EASY and concurred (downright agreed!)   "LET RIGHT BE DONE." at Le Chateau 4 Seasons.
No one got busted.
D &D, incidentally, has a standing reservation at the NYC Four Seasons and is quite content to have a background table....:)




c 2014/davddelacroix/lord borgo/our man in europe/piacenza-italia








Saturday, August 30, 2014

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Paths of Glory."


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Paths of Glory."


...The swirling flies, the dust, the bones of long dead Romans amplify their living justice.... No wonder they are dead? As for the "living-dead"? -look out any window; it's not only the breeze that comes through: Isabella can't get Giovanni to love her (No-brain er! She's a psycho). Marco puts up with Esmeralda: Least ways for sex on a Sunday afternoon? And Paulo can't stand ANY gal for more than 25 minutes! For that matter, neither can I, though I  DO employ a VIP extension plan? Andrea, on the other hand, just busts around town (Piacenza) on his VESPA looking - in his helmet - like a dis-enfranchised NASA dude! - and happy in his purpose-less mobility.
Present day ITALIA may as well be Bangladesh or Morocco. "Straniere" (Immigrants-working visitors) flood the Sphere, anxious, eager for Life's opportunities; where-as, COMPLAINT is OUR ambition!?  All the while - in our comfort zeal - ignorant of the folks; bloodied, broken hands and feet, families with heartbreak, clinging to the lower ends of this World's social pyramid...and the paths of our glory.


c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/...with hope.


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Fizzle!"


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Fizzle!"


(Dedicato:  Actor Stephen Lee, who passed away, age 58, August 27, 2014.)

.
Mia Vita (my Life) started off SLOWLY then fizzled-out altogether before I was 12 (twelve-ish); the rest of my 40 years, just so?
Girl? U fizzled out too? Well, then: Do U want to "Fizzle" like I want to fizzle with U?

I went to the Doctor. He asked: "What's seems to be the problem, then?"
"FIZZLE!" -I responded.
He exclaimed: "Ahah!!! A classic case!" adding, "Are U  F.A.?"
"FUCK U, ya prick!" -I rejoined.
"NO, IDIOT!" -he retorts (Typical FIZZLE SYNDROME - da Doc. observes). "ARE U a member of FIZZLE ANONYMOUS?"
"Do U have to be anony-whatssit?"
"Indeed! Especially when U Frizzle or Vote!"
"Ahah!" -sez I.
(Chorus:) GIRL:  DO U want to "Fizzle"  like I want to fizzle with U?

...So. With THREE aspirin ($20!) and a note from the DOC (His name was Doctor F. Freemasonary/ definitely a "secret handshake" guy?) I went directly to "F.A.". -A closed down corrugated shack on the outskirts of L.A... (Los Angeles?)
L.A., incidentally, doesn't HAVE any outskirts. U cross some non-descript street? -U are in San Diego. San Diego doesn't have any outskirts either! Ya cross a "border-thingy and then U are in Mexico, in Tijuana, which is where ALL "F.A." (Fizzle people) end up?..... It's cheaper to "frzzle" there.
(Singing/chorus:) DO U want to fizzle like I want to fizzle with U?

Anyhow? U can take the BOY outta L.A. but U CANT take the L.A. outta da boy.... ALAS! With the "F.A."? -they can't be reached; they just fizzle. And if U got NO "Fizzle"? -God damn! -I guess we'll never ever  meet?
GIRL: (chorus-thingy:) Do U want to "Fizzle" like I want to frizzle with U? Do U want to "Fizzle like I wanna fizzle with U?




c 2014/davedelacroix/lord borgo/august, 2014.


Thursday, August 28, 2014

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Menu Murders"/ Murder, a'la carte! (1 to 5)


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix// "The MENU murders/Murders a'la carte!" (1 to 5)


1)   HOLLYWOD HUMMUS:

...It was a Hollywood HUMUS (murder 1). Everybody knew it. Cops didn't wanna touch it,  so ya don't call GHOST BUSTERS -ya call DICK n' DICK: -Personal consultant/missing persons/We DO faces on the MILK CARTON, detective agency?...
The crime scene was a NO-brain er. An L.A. rental over a Paki inter-net cafe by Sunset & Vine...Body,  covered in HUMUS but no pita bread? ...Deceased was Greek. His killer? Probably Greek too? Problem was COPS KNEW a murder HAD taken place; bloody-blood all over the place; but NO cadaver, no victim: Just HUMMUS, olives, goat's cheese and blood; the deceased had yet to be found?
CSI fashionistas showed up after the cops in bags and the "D'techs" had canvassed the nearest dumpsters? -NO DICE.
D & D shows up? Acknowledges the confusion, makes a phone call to "TONY'S TAVERNA" in Malibu!
"Tony?" he asks; " In ATHENS; guy pisses on your Bakara (rug) at your daughter's wedding? He's a DEAD MAN: Where do U put him?"
Tony (a total aristocrat) says: "Under the floor!"
D n' D points the LAW to the score.


2)  FIRST DEGREE DUCK

Dead duck at Surf rider point, Malibu. The Coroner nailed it down to BLOW-FISH (Wolfgang, owner of GRANITAS?)); everybody got suspicious
, and everyone was shocked including ME, CHER and Neil Young/Wolfgang  was threatening SUICIDE over the lobster bisque/had to be restrained by five undocumented Mexican assistants? -FOUR ducks (dead birds)  and someone dies of FISH??? (It happens?) And Granitas dosen't even serve SUSHI!?
Anyways; D n' D "apres" DOA who was carried out - still clutching his Granitas tooth-pick - some other  DUCK flew into the Malibu parking lot and set off all the parking thingies (beep-beep-stuff). The ENTIRE City of Malibu thought their insurance rates were going South! ...Fortunately, D n' D, in response to MAL P.D. (MPD) showed up. He IMMEDIATELY calls "Wolfgang": "WHAT was on the menu?"
"Dead duck!" Wolfgang replies.
"WOT!? -No fish?" says D n'D.
"No fish!" insists Wolfie; "Just dead bird."
Case closed. Frickin Suicide!


3)  CURRY CADAVER

Curry cadaver, Canoga Park, The MURDER scene was a Tandoori; a Gang bust! Dead body caked in Paprika (no saffron) with just a hint of Marsala; murderers always leave a trail. They (the butchers) had a shop 3 blocks away on Topanga Blvd (a hound dog would have been bored)? D n' D, noting the confusion with the D'techs, CSI, etc., sniffed the trail. THE KILLERS (all 3 -some racial-racial-Indian family dispute) were cuffed whilst chowing down on Chicken Boti-Basmati rice, still with blood on their hands? The unwanted Groom, quite dead and the - potential - burning bride? - had fled  to Santa Barbara! CURRY-CADAVER. U need clarification?  Talk to D n'D. or tell ME wot U think; but purleeze do not say; "Bury my heart in Canoga Park"...


4)  WHO COOKED DA GOOSE!?

5 folks named MO, all playing high stakes-Las Vegas, "Texas hold'em"... One of them (named TEX) dies after midnight buffet break which consisted of baguettes,turtle soup, dead bird (chickens or geese). Salad consisting of cucumber, tomato, lettuce, celery, spiced with Italian dressing, 1,000 Island dressing and a vinaigrette, which - even for LAS VEGAS? - I thought was a bit over the top?...
Anyways. TEX-MO. Poisoned!!! He croaks, head face down on the green velvet -salivating on his cards and stakes?
According to the Croupier everyone grinned and UP'D the ante?
LVPD (Las Vegas Police Dicks) arrive; CSI fashionistas, the Coroner and the D'techs arrive and, because everything in Las Vegas or Reno (Nevada) is LEASED by the Mormon Church (LSD), 10  seconds of  silent respect was mandatory - as TEX-MO was a WHALE - before the slot-machine.carnival.sound-pollution could resume...which is WHY D n' D/ace lost & found-Murder dude/we do faces on the milk carton was called?
SUSPECTS: 5 folks named MO. Nevada Mo. Albuquerque Mo. Dallas Mo. (3 of these are women, incidentally?) and TEX-MO (deceased), and ALL FIVE hated each others guts! The fifth was a Frog: "Gauloise MO!"
...D n'D arrives; has them ( the suspects) do a Police line-up - including the dead one for ambiance  -  without any gambling accoutrement's (no hidden cards or dice/total deep cavity strip search). Nevertheless they all looked guilty as Sin...especially TEX (dead guy?) and Gauloise Mo! -The Frog.
D n'D says: "Pass on THESE cretins... WHO COOKED DA GOOSE?"

Later, the Casino Chef - under minimal bracing - confessed.: He? A "He-she" cook had a "He-she" with TEX-MO. He pled mental-sumfing-whatever, got counselling and got out of a jackpot, 3 to 5!!! But...FIVE years later? - D n'D -driving cross country, the Arizona desert from East Texas to L.A., having solved the "RIB RIGAMORTIS" case, popped into the "Shake Down" roadside diner and encountered the "serial chef"!
"Coffee." -D n' D requested, not immediately recognising his server.
The Chef asked: "Would U like some goose?"
D & D didn't stick around for the milk and sugar.


5)  MEAT IS MURDER

(Singing:) We're poor little lambs who've lost our way? -Baa, baa, baa!...

The old CORNELLE Illumini re-union (black tie-ish) was held this year at thee BEL-AIR something or other and even before the mutton was served it filtered thru the gathering that Reggie Spikes the THIRD (111) had been shank ed in the ladies room with a Shish Kebab skewer still holding DEAD SHEEP, green peppers, onion slice and a Montebello shroom garnished in olive oil and paprika!
Everyone was AGHAST, as Reggie Spike the THIRD (111) (think Bernie Maddof) was not only an AVOWED Vegan but also  a successful WALL STREET corporate raider who had fleeced millions to successfully make his billions! The banquet chatter was: "If THIS crap can happen to Reggie, what hope is there for the rest of US!?" Anyhow, word out/dead guy - Reggie - in the powder room, but no-one skipped the soup and "table banter" enjoyed a new crescendo: "What a cool fellow. Played Lacrosse? Or maybe that was some-one else?"
The LAPD (in bags), D'tects, CSI Fashionistas, etc., showed up, looked confused, but noticing D n'D amongst the ILLUMINI  sought his counsel.
"Dick! Thank God!" they exclaimed. "The 'Kebab dude'-VIC fleeced millions of poor honest folks thru WALL STREET. So how can we narrow it down to one suspect?"
D & D, without looking up from his plate of  mutton, replied: "Look for ANOTHER Vegan at the banquet. Your VIC probably crossed the VFL (vegan-fellowship-line) and 'ate da meat!'...A woman suspect, perhaps (ladies room?)?"
And so: It was. The WIFE - not such a poor little lamb, and as rich as she was, she had to eat the rind!...
9 months later, a waitress from the Illumini banquet, a new mother and baby - Reggie IV - were doing fine.

(Singing:) We are poor little lambs who've lost our way? -Baa, baa, baa!


c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/THE MENU MURDERS-MURDER A'LA CARTE (1 to 5) of 100 wicked tales of food, murder and sin!...:)















Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ THE HOP-LITES!


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ THE HOP-LITES!


DAY 1:  The HOP-LITES, a, er...GREEK band showed up at the HOTEL DAVE (Priceless, 1 nite, so hop-it!); all 17 (seventeen) of them/boys and girls, but an ALL European ensemble: Celtic Rock-a-Busy; fiddles, Balalaikas, bongos, lutes & tambourines! This outfit's normal form of communication is English-ish or Esperanto; all wearing ancient Greek Chorus-theatre masks/Gothic-hippie, their attire?
As I said: 17 of the suckers, ages 17 to 30 years old and too much for the HOTEL DAVE, plus, they weren't disposed to leaving all their music equipment (gear) in the VAN, ergo? Their gear "slept" in the HOTEL DAVE and the BAND slept in the Camper-trailer-Winnebago (Van) bunk bed accommodation,  all except the band's leader, APOLLO LUDICROUS who crashed in the Hotel Dave's cucina (kitchen)! The band's gear, of course, was given HOTEL DAVE Student discount... as none of it snored.

DAY 2:  ...I get em (The HOP-LITES) a "flash-gig" at BAR VESPA with Bombshell Mary and hubby Enrico. The Hop-Lites repertoire includes:
"Tales of Brave Ulysses" -by CREAM
"Go tell the Spartans?" -by DAVE DELACROIX
"The Golden Fleece." - a sexually explicit, original song.
"Trojan Horse!" - original song.
"Helen, U bitch!" -original song.
"Achilles heel?" -original song.
"NO vino for Cyclops." -original song.
And?...
"I WANNA BE AN ARGONAUT!"

...They (the Hop-lites) cleared this Italian bar in only 3 songs, yet jammed for 2 hours! Bombshell Mary and hubby Enrico paid em' off in Pizza, Vino and a tip jar for gas (benzine). Next stop? THE HOP-LITES, continuing their World-wide tour were taking a Cargo Freighter out of GENOA to MEXICO... "Va ya con Dios, Amigos!" -I wanna be an Argonaut too!...:)


c 2014/davedelacroix/ourmanineurope/piacenza.


Friday, August 22, 2014

our man in europe/davedelacroix; "Lilli from the Valley"


dave deòacrpoix/ "çoòòy from, t6he Baòòe3yu...!Our Man ib Europe/f
...must be dsruinkl:;



Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "Lilly from da Valley"...

...Her name was Lilly -of the valley. She stole mah heart away. Her name was LILLY from  da valley; from da valley...of Love?
Don't ya GO DOWN Mr. Murphy; less U talk to me? Her name is Lilly of da Valley; da valley  of love?

(Recordings:) She sez: "Maybe if I like U, a keep U hanging around? -her name was Lilly of the Valley, and I loved her, loved her so?

Then? She sez: "Here are the ground rules - no sex until we're married, yodel-ay-yodel hee-hee" -I say: "Heavens to Mercko-troid- Babee! Amah your Slave!"...?

Then she left me for Another, someday I may recover (yodeò, yodel Missippi")

Her name was Lilly.but I gave mah heart away? Her name was Lilly an - sing mah song away...

RAGAZZI: "...Lilly of da Val!...:="      TRA-LA-LA!!!:)




c 2014/dave delacroix/lord bordo, piacenzabzx itaeeeee..

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/ "The Mandrake Root."


Our Man in Europe/dave delacroix/lord Borgo/ "The Mandrake Root".


(composed, lucidly, by Dave D. and BLIND BILL)

"I wouldn't worry 'bout it?"
"I would!!!"
"Did U ever wonder 'bout Cafe Lunghi?"
"A drink?"
"Idiot! No. The GIRL!... U slept with her
on the 4th. of July?"
"I did?... Fireworks?"
"It was almost televised!"
"What happened?"
"Do U want to know?"
"It's YOUR story...?"
"Well, her Padre was called MANDRAKE;
one of dem cats who hung out with
FRED FELLINI..."
"Not JOE GREEN!?"
"Don't get ambitious!... Anyways,
MANDRAKE, hung out with FRED
(in the early days); Rimini;
 discovered Film, Sound
after years of dissipation?"
"Dissipation?"
"He drank a lot. Had a MONO
Record Player just STACKED
with BIX BEIDERBECK?"
"Bix?"
"And Frank Sinatra!"
"Ahah!"
"Anyways..."
"What happened to Bix?"
"Bix showed up!"
"In person?"
"Don't be stupid! He (Bix)
was a genius. Shot Heroine/
died young...and left ALL of his debts."
"To?"
"I'm still paying them off!"
"YOU'RE the kid!?"
"May as well be..."
"Say WHA?"
"Da Mandrake Root!"
"Wha?"
"U pick us and WE SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!"


c 2014/our man in europe/davedelacroix/lord borgo..